Disillusionment phase

They mean it when they say October for 1st year teachers is the worst. They call the phase disillusionment phase:

"After six to eight weeks of nonstop work and stress, new teachers enter the disillusionment phase. The intensity and length of the phase varies among new teachers. The extensive time commitment, the realization that things are probably not going as smoothly as they want, and low morale contribute to this period of disenchantment. New teachers begin questioning both their commitment and their competence. Many new teachers get sick during this phase."

Umm, it could not be more dead on. The intensity is large for this first year teacher, and hopefully it will end soon. Last night I cried so hard my eyes were puffy for hours, I was driving and I could barely see. How can it be this bad? How can people put themselves through this? Am I just being too hard on myself? What changes can I make to make it better?

I do not question my commitment, but I do question my ability to sustain this. I have to keep telling myself it will get better--everyone says it does, the same people that told me I would go through this terrible phase also told me it will get better. Perhaps someday I will actually enjoy teaching. Perhaps someday it will not seem like I am on a hamster wheel just trying to keep up.

For now I need to take it day by day--do what I can do today to get me through tomorrow, and perhaps the next day. Find the things that are working and keep doing them. Find the things that aren't and change them. Look for help from veterans.

I can't tell you how much I've leaned on others in the last month (or more). There are days when I drive home and I think, who can I call and cry to tonight. Who will listen and give advice or listen and just tell me it's going to be ok. Thank you lifelines.

Someday I think I will get to the point where I no longer need those life lines. For now, disillusionment is making my life kind of rough.

Communism over the loud speaker

Every morning around 6:50, Principal Lang comes on the PA system and says "Welcome back Whites Creek Family"...then he'll mention how he's seen a lot of students dressed for success or that he wants to make sure students are moving to their classes and are ready to learn, then he gently reminds teachers to "step do their doors and help our students get to class on time. Let's have a great day Whites Creek Cobras" Every morning I have this small little inkling that this might have been what being under a communist regime might have been like. He talks about walking through the halls with Cobra Pride, about not letting behavior get in the way of our learning environment. And we hear similar messages every day.

When things have been particularly bad, Mr. Lang will come on for a State of the Union type address during 2nd period. The kids will barely listen and not understand why this voice is coming over the PA at them. You'd think they'd like it since I am not talking anymore. But they don't seem to get it and would rather just talk to each other.

I get it. We have to change mindsets and this seems to be the most time efficient way to do it. We can't have assemblies like we used to at Potomac, the kids would get lost from their classrooms to the Auditorium, and frankly I'm not sure they'd all fit. It would also take a lot more time away from our precious learning time. If only the kids thought it was precious too.

College Week

We were asked to represent our colleges, decorate our doors and give a little talk during advisory.

Today I had a Yale Bulldog with a blue Yale handkerchief around his neck. Three, count them three students on two separate occasions said:

"Miz Sudow, why your bear be crippin'?"

Apparently a Yale handkerchief looks just like a gang flag.

"NO, my Yale Bulldog is NOT in a gang"

Spidey backpacks (and tinkerbell and superman)

I noticed it the first few days of school, but I just kind of assumed it was a trend. All my kids, or most of them, have those plastic-y backpacks sold at Walmart and Target for 2nd graders with your favorite cartoon character on them; Spiderman, Tinkerbell, Superman. Why do 16 and 17 year olds carry these around? Is it a fad? A little. But I think a lot of it has to do with the childhood they might have missed. Or the childhood they never left.

Zack came to school on Friday, bless his heart (to use a truly Southern phrase). He spoke to each of my classes for about 20 minutes-about working at Google, using Math in life, and working hard so you get yourself to places like Google, and yes, make money (it wasn't until he talked about how much money he was making and all the free food he gets that they really perked up--no offense babe). During these three 20 min sessions Zack made some astute observations that a few of my fellow teachers had been talking about for a few weeks now:
1) Where is the respect? Even on their best behavior, their mannerisms, the way they speak to adults and even each other lacks all sorts of respect. They slouch in their chairs, they interrupt you when you are talking, and they make fun of each other.
2) They aren't "hard." not like he'd expected. Yes, they are in gangs, yes, some of them have tatoos and are a little scary, 'Sleepy,'as he's asked me to call him, even has grillz (that he pops in and out as he sees the situation dictates), but they aren't all hard. And for the most part, they are just overgrown kids. Immature and unsure of themselves. Big ol' softies. They do have characters on their backpacks, notebooks and the blankets they carry around school to keep warm. They still have that 'everything revolves around me or egocentric' mentality that children in Piaget's pre-operational phase of life (yes, age 2-7) (umm, sorry for the fancy terms, I must have learned something in my really expensive class?) exhibit.

So what? Why am I talking about this? Because I am not dealing with exactly what I thought I would be. My kids are a little different from the kids at Fredrick Douglas. Some of them have lived hard lives, many in fact. Most don't live with two parents, if they live with parents at all. They live with grandma's, sisters, brothers and aunties, siblings are separated or everyone is piled into one house. Most guardians work at least one, if not 2 jobs, it's tough for them to get a ride from school after the buses leave and they don't always get a hot meal for dinner when then come home at night, or any meal at all for that matter. There are definitely a large portion of them that have had to grow up fast. Despite this, they haven't grown up all the way. Maybe they are rebelling against growing up too fast. Maybe no one bought them a Tinkerbell backpack when they were 7 and that's why they need it now.

I am not sure the answer. But I do know their immaturity makes my life rough. Their immaturity means they also don't have accountability (yes, I am bringing it up again). Their immaturity means outbursts in class about bodily functions, my outfits and their grades (while I am teaching a lesson).

Somehow, I not only have to teach Geometry and Algebra 2, I need to teach responsibility, maturity and accountability. Am I up to the task? I hope so.

Failing

In Hard Times at Douglas High there was a faculty meeting where the principal basically blamed the teachers for failing. I got so angry and frustrated. How can responsibility rest only with the teachers? How could teachers' jobs be in jeopardy when they are trying as hard as they can? Would I have said that 4 months ago? Would I have said, no don't blame the teachers? or would I have said, damn straight, if they were good enough teachers, the kids would be uplifted, ready to learn and learning. Not failing.

But now I am in the hot seat. Today Principal Lang handed out 'Fail Rate Reports' for our classes and gave us a big talk about how if our fail percentages were higher than 70% there was something going on. My fail percentages: 85%, 92%, and 63%. Well phew, at least one of them is below 70.....In his talk, Principal Lang said he picked a doctor to fix the achilles tendon he ripped just before school started because he was an expert. He said it was the doctor's job to operate and get him moving again in a few months. To get him back to new so he could run half marathons. Fine. It is the doctor's job to fix him, to operate, to give him instructions on how to rehab his leg, how to rest it, to ice it, all that good stuff. But if Principal Lang jumps up and down on his freshly operated on leg, if he runs around school in flip flops instead of his boot, is it the doctor's fault if the doctor told him very clear instructions on how best to get the leg well?

So whose fault is it? Here we go with accountability again. There are definitely things I could be doing better. But aren't there things my kids could be doing better too? Couldn't they study? Couldn't they listen to me when I teach them?

Official midterm grades are due next week. I will spend the rest of this week and all of next week finding ways to make up work. Finding ways to catch my kids up. Not just to get their grades up, but also to get their confidence up. If they don't think they will do it, what little effort they put in now will completely disappear.

Maybe, just maybe, small investment efforts (the ones I'd planned from day 1 that never made it to the wall) will get them excited. Stars with their name and stickers on them on Club 85, a Student of the Week, and a word wall. Will that do it? If I give them their Unit 1, 2 and 3 tests again next week, will they fail again, or pass because I have been reviewing everything for a week? I am just not sure. I am really not.

For now, my job is not in jeopardy. My sanity might be. My health definitely is, and my can do attitude, quickly fading. When my first period class leaves my room everyday, I sigh with relief, and then a bit of grief because whatever new thing I tried that day did not work. Do I have the energy to keep trying this? I have all these resources at my fingertips, but sometimes, getting it into a form that works for me and my students somehow seems tough.

I can't keep living day to day, doing tonight what will get me through tomorrow. I need to find a way to get ahead, or have tomorrow's work take less time so I have time for tracking, for figuring out who is missing what work, and to really help these kids pass geometry and algebra 2. And maybe give them some confidence along the way.

Accountability

Accountability. I use that word a lot. I want the kids to have it, I think some of the parents have it. I take a lot of it.

Why do my kids feel like it's my fault when they fail? Why don't they feel they need to remember what I taught them yesterday when they walk into my classroom today? How do you get it through their heads that if they are talking and texting during class, they are not going to learn anything? That in fact they will fail if they don't do the work, and that not doing homework is a surefire way to make sure you don't remember what you are supposed to learn.

At the same time though, isn't part of my job to find a way to engage them, so they are not talking, texting and leaving my classroom with none of the information I just tried to cram in their brains? I say I did not sign up to be an entertainer, that I signed up to be a teacher. But maybe I need to find a way to entertain them more. Maybe because they don't fully understand how my class will benefit them in the long run, I have to find a way to make it more fun.

Maybe it's a bit of both. When Wallace told me he couldn't learn because I needed to control my classroom, I would have laughed if it didn't make me want to cry. How can a student who is constantly causing a ruckus tell ME to control HIM? Shouldn't he learn to control himself? Will consequences and positive reinforcements actually do this? The math money is not working. It might work if I was more consistent about it, if I had good things for them to buy with their math money.

Regardless, somehow they need to stop blaming everyone else for not learning. Take responsibility and engage in your education. Take what has been given to you by tax money and make the most of it. Don't just waste it by barely getting by.

I watched an HBO documentary this week, "Hard Times at Douglas High," so much about this inner city high school in Baltimore looked just like Whites Creek High. The kids were rowdy, behind. and tested their teachers every day. They were also late for class and at risk of not graduating, or getting shot when they leave their house every day. There were scenes where the administrator blamed the teacher for the students shortcomings--"If 25 out of 35 kids are failing the class...." That's me. Those are my kids, all failing, despite my best efforts. Despite my 80 hour weeks, my sleepless nights, and the huge knots in my shoulders. I am trying so hard, but they are still failing. Is it really me? There are kids that are doing ok, am I helping them, or are they teaching themselves?

I don't think it's just one person's fault. It doesn't just rest with me, or my kids, or their families. It's a combination of all of us. It's finding ways to get to as many of them as we can. To inspire them and help them navigate their way through school and beyond.

I hope I am up to the challenge. I hope I can make them feel accountable and really want to achieve. Maybe even in Geometry.