Disillusionment phase

They mean it when they say October for 1st year teachers is the worst. They call the phase disillusionment phase:

"After six to eight weeks of nonstop work and stress, new teachers enter the disillusionment phase. The intensity and length of the phase varies among new teachers. The extensive time commitment, the realization that things are probably not going as smoothly as they want, and low morale contribute to this period of disenchantment. New teachers begin questioning both their commitment and their competence. Many new teachers get sick during this phase."

Umm, it could not be more dead on. The intensity is large for this first year teacher, and hopefully it will end soon. Last night I cried so hard my eyes were puffy for hours, I was driving and I could barely see. How can it be this bad? How can people put themselves through this? Am I just being too hard on myself? What changes can I make to make it better?

I do not question my commitment, but I do question my ability to sustain this. I have to keep telling myself it will get better--everyone says it does, the same people that told me I would go through this terrible phase also told me it will get better. Perhaps someday I will actually enjoy teaching. Perhaps someday it will not seem like I am on a hamster wheel just trying to keep up.

For now I need to take it day by day--do what I can do today to get me through tomorrow, and perhaps the next day. Find the things that are working and keep doing them. Find the things that aren't and change them. Look for help from veterans.

I can't tell you how much I've leaned on others in the last month (or more). There are days when I drive home and I think, who can I call and cry to tonight. Who will listen and give advice or listen and just tell me it's going to be ok. Thank you lifelines.

Someday I think I will get to the point where I no longer need those life lines. For now, disillusionment is making my life kind of rough.