Princess La La or some other nonesense

Freshman are squirmy balls of insecure goo, pushing limits and getting really sad/offended when they are called out on it. And maybe, just maybe, I enjoy calling them out on it. Maybe that's what makes a freshman teacher a freshman teacher.

I had 1 student who, when she joined my class, told me that while on my roster her name was Raven Smith (name changed of course), she preferred I call her Princess Nhai Nhai.

I'm sorry what?

Now, it's not 1, but 3, yes 3 girls in that class who feel they are royalty. There is Princess Ro Ro and to top them all off, Queen Shante. The only way to make them stop this nonsense is a) to make them embarrassed that they think people should call them royalty and b) to not grade papers that come in with their names or c) all of the above. Nope, I do not know a Princess RoRo, that paper gets a 0, since I wouldn't know where to put the scores in the gradebook anyway. I only grade papers with real names on them.

I do realize that this royalty complex probably stems from some major insecurity, and perhaps I should not be quite so harsh. But for now it just really pisses me off and I am going to continue calling it silly and refusing to acknowledge said "names." Not even La-A was a Princess La La.

Complete 180 degree turn

Four months later and my life, both personal and professional is so very, very different. For one I finally am on the west coast, for another, things that make me cry at school make me cry with hope, with happiness and with the expectation and fear that I can serve my kids the way I wanted to when I became a teacher.

Today I sat in an IEP meeting of one my students. He happens also to be my advisor. I had already been discussing his case with his case manager and working on some things with him. In the meeting his sisters advocated so deeply for him. They cared so much about what happens to him and his education, they felt let down by the public school system and that Mitchell hadn't really learned much since elementary school because his teachers didn't give him the extra help he needed.

Then came Rosie, our Learning Specialist. Caring, understanding and with so many good ideas to help. Then came the Impact model, that we help any students no matter what they are up against, and we mean it. We have supports in place to differentiate and help give structures. We also hold students to high standards and keep them accountable--Mitchell was the timekeeper at the meeting and had to tell us what he felt he was good at, what he felt he needed to work on.

It's is this caring, this high expectation and accountability that makes Impact so very different from Whites Creek. Not just in how we handle kids with IEPs, but how we approach learning, how we hold kids accountable on so many levels. Kids can fail, but they are given chances not to. Students are urged to think, and to think about thinking. They are urged to create and apply.

Thank you Impact for letting me teach. I hope it keeps going as well as it has for the first 4 weeks!

Pressure to Pass

I left school in tears on Friday. First I was upset, then I was angry, then I was both. I had just finished entering senior grades for the semester.

Seniors take their exams a week early in MNPS. First, to make sure they are passing, and second, to get them out of the building so there can be some semblance of order in our last week. I had mixed classes, out of my 88 students I had about 30 seniors. They were, on average, the worst behaved, lowest performing of all my students. They lacked motivation, were rude to me on a daily basis, and pretty much got away with whatever they wanted.

And they all passed.

They did not feel the pressure to pass. They put the pressure on me to pass them. So did the administration. No matter how low their math skills, no matter how often they came (or did not come) to class, and no matter how many assignments they did not bother turning in, they would pass.

That is terrible. It's a flaw in the system. They knew this day would come since they walked into my classroom in January and took full advantage of it. They knew counselors and principals would be knocking on my door telling me the students needed to pass. What can YOU do for them, Ms. Sudow. What extra time can you put in to make sure these students get a diploma.

Our principal called the teacher next door when he saw he had a few failing seniors and said, "I don't care if he has to stay here with you until 10:30 in the evening doing work, he needs to pass"...well doesn't that mean Mr. M is here until 10:30 in the evening as well? Didn't Mr. McFarland show up and teach every day? Why couldn't the seniors learn then?

When I changed grades and forgave missing assignments, when I saw just how low the math skills of the students I was passing actually were, I felt dirty. Dirtier on the inside than after a weekend in New Orleans (that's dirty). Didn't I become a teacher to stop that? Didn't I tell the students all along that they wouldn't just pass my class? That they had to work hard? That they had to understand the material? Why did I let this happen? How could I have done it better? Could I have just failed them and told the administration I wasn't willing to budge? I am not sure.

Maybe I wasn't a good enough teacher to them. Maybe I didn't do well enough bringing them up all along. Maybe, just maybe, there was nothing I could have done anyway. Our school counselor put it to me this way: Either you pass them and they have a degree that might not mean quite as much as you think it does, or you fail them, they are a credit short of graduating, probably don't come back to finish that credit and then are floating out in the world without any diploma...Which is worse?

Will my kids get to college or the work force and have someone think, who was the idiot that passed you in Math? How could you possibly have earned a diploma?

I made up for my failings as a teacher by not failing my kids. I hope that in the future I won't feel so unsure of my methods, that in the future I won't have to 'just pass' kids that turn in one or two extra worksheets in the 11th hour. That instead I drive them to work hard all along. I give them 'I can, I want, I will' attitude that is so necessary for success.

Also, I must say, this was not all my seniors. Some of my seniors worked so hard. They stayed in my classroom for tutoring during lunch, they texted or called me with questions, they begged me to keep teaching when the others were working on disrupting.

I will stand at graduation tomorrow and I will watch with a smile on my face. I will be angry and frustrated when certain seniors walk across the stage, but mostly I will have goosebumps and pride for what I might have helped start: a life with just a few more possibilities than if these students had not occupied a seat in room 233.

Full Moon

I give all my classes the same material. I have been collecting more to keep them accountable, as they walk out the door they put the filled out worksheets in shelves with their block number on them.

Today I had a typo in one of my problems and had everyone in block 1 change a +18 in an equation to a -9....During 3rd block, after it took a half hour, screaming "SHUT UP" 3-5 times, giving the class the silent treatment AND telling them to teach themselves out of the book, we were finally, mostly, back on track. I was walking around to check problems 3-6 (the mess up was #10)...I wanted to help Brendan, who always has a lot of difficulty with my class (and a lot of attitude), I said, great job Brendan, how did you get all those? Walk me through what you did...Then I asked, wait, how come you crossed out that 18 and changed it to -9? He had no answer. Then he told me he'd gotten it from the group across the room....the group I had just told 30 seconds before coming to him, the group he was not sitting with since before lunch. Hmm, interesting, Are you sure Brendan? Then he went off and told me to shut the fuck up out of his face, how dare I accuse him of cheating.

Fast forward to 4th block. Same scenario. Students who never get it work ahead, I go check their work. They don't cross out the 18, but just add a 9 to solve the equation--puzzling? I ask where they get the 9, they have NO good answer. Are you sure? Where is that 9 from. Oh Ms. Sudow, you are right, let me erase it. I push a bit further, the same fight insues. I get yelled at, told I am accusing them of cheating, told I think they are stupid, and told I am the reason they are failing. Well Daniella, I'd rather you didn't cheat, especially on a worksheet, since it's really no skin off my back, but if you are copying people's work now it means you are not getting it and therefore won't be able to pass my class.

When Daniella's phone is out for the 5th time and I am asking the entire class to make sure they put away their phones, she says to me, how do you know it's a phone Ms. Sudow. Well Daniella, I know what an Android phone is since I GOT ONE FOR FREE WHEN I WORKED AT GOOGLE. That almost shut her up until she told me I should never have left. Well Daniella, sometimes I definitely think that too.

Lesson of the day: Full Moons make Whites Creek kids crazy. Lesson 2: Pick your battles. Maybe accusing them of cheating is not the right thing for me to do. Instead I should have just had them walk me through their steps, make sure they get it, that's all I care about anyway right? I need to be calm, cool and collected, and the bigger person--no more petty.

Better late than never

Finally getting around to reading some of the surveys I handed out at the end of first semester. Some of them are sweet, so I'm gonna toot my own horn because maybe it's needed every once in a while:

"Ms. Sudow, you were an awesome teacher. I know at times my friends and I were very disrespectful. Ya know 4 talking and cutting up while you were teaching. But hey we're kids so...like I said before that was very disrespectful and I hope you forgive us. One thing I can say is that I learned a lot from you. But, just a little piece of advice, 'get more organized.' Stay awesome and don't let someones helpless heart leave/make you bitter. I hope you know that you and Mrs. Bright will be the teachers I'll always love and never forget. Just for the fact that you guyz cared."

Wow...so I am doing something good? And yes, point taken about organization! MUCH NEEDED.

Pretty much every single one says I need to work on getting the class under control and write more referrals. Again, point taken. Let's see if I can keep working on that this semester.

Writing Assessments

In 11th grade TN students must take a TCAP writing assessment. A score of 4, or proficient on this test is required for graduation. Our school has done a practice assessment once a month since November. See below for a sample.

Granted, most of my advisees know these will have no bearing on their grades and could care less...but here goes nothing: (word for word, punctuation-or lack thereof-intact)

Students were asked if they agree or disagree that Celebrities make more money than they deserve.

I disagree because these celebrities work hard for they money and can't anybody say they make more than they deserve maybe teacher don't deserve any money you can't tell somebody who to make they money or what ever the do with they money because its not them and however they make or do with they money its they chose all celebrities deserve every amount of money they make because they work for it like athletes they really deserve every amount of money they make and play hard and if some one say the make to much and want to try to do they job i bet you would be mad if somebody said you make to much money you know you work all day and all night and hard to not make the money you make because I know I would be. Just think about actors. If they act good they deserve they money as well musicians, models deserve they money to all the famous people deserve they money cause the work hard the put effeft in what they do I respect what all the famous people do I respect the money the make I don't think the make to much because they work for there's like teachers work for there's and we not saying teachers make to much just because someone famous people think they make to much well that's not true or right that's why I Disagree!!!

Dear Student,

I am sorry that your school system has failed you. You seem to have good ideas but cannot get them out in a coherent, well-written way. We owe it to you to make it better. I hope it's not too late.

PS-Ask your math teacher the difference between a teacher's salary and an actor, model or athlete's salary. You might be surprised.

-Ms. Sudow

the SQUARE ROOT of -1

If I see one more time that the square root of -100 is -10 I might have a heart attack, or pull out my hair or something.

What do these children do while I am teaching? I am not really sure how many times I've told them that if there is a negative under the square root sign there will be an i...I can't tell you how many problems we've simplified to make i's. Still, on the test, they said the square root of -100 was -10, some said that it was -50, do add even more insult to injury.

The giver-upper in me asks, why do I bother. Why do I stress out every day trying to cram information in their brains. Why do I stay up making lesson plans and worksheets. Maybe I should just stop trying so hard.

The not giver-upper says, this is precisely why. The fact that they don't even read my test but give up before even opening it and decide to leave it blank instead of looking for the things they can do, or just rely on the math skills they had before even entering my class to at least do some addition and subtraction. Nope. They combine variables with real numbers, they multiply when there is a plus sign and add when there is multiplication. They break the rules of math because they don't know they exist.

I think the only answer is to keep trying. But with classes of 30, rowdy kids, how do I give them the personalized attention they each need? How do I teach instead of spending time telling them to be quiet and take their headphones out. How do I get them engaged and give them their confidence back? Because right now I think their fear and lack of self-confidence is keeping them from trying. It's a problem. I wish I'd started slower, but now I'm not sure how to slow down or go back. Slowing down is hopefully going to work, continuing to show the stuff I've been teaching, and giving them confidence, somehow.

I'll get there. I won't give up, hopefully. I have to remember my A2 kids were here this time last semester, then they did just fine (for the most part) by December. Keep chugging.

Snow Dayz

So this is what it's like to be rested and enjoy your life a little? Wow! Nashville had a big snow storm. And by big I mean three inches (maybe) and some ice. It basically shut the city down. Which let's be honest is pretty ridiculous. But what is even more ridiculous, is not that we had a snow day on Friday (school was called once again at about 6:00 pm Thursday evening before any snow had fallen). I get Friday, mostly, although the roads didn't get terrible till the afternoon, but you just never know with those buses. It was nice, I went into school, got some work done, got ready for my sub on Monday since I would be out for professional development and cleaned up my classroom a bit. Nice. A little gym, a little out, nice to have an extra day. Weekend seemed less stressful, and I was ready, for the most part, to go back on Monday.

What I didn't get, was that on Sunday, while at the grocery doing my weekly shopping, I hear that school would be out AGAIN on Monday. You know Nashville, if you actually plow away the snow it doesn't freeze over at night time. Apparently they don't have the equipment. Not only did we have Monday off (even though it was 47 degrees and sunny)...we had TUESDAY off as well! Thank you Nashville and TDOT for my 6 day vacation.

I then took my professional development day and have to only be at school 2 days this week.

It'd be great if I didn't feel like we were finally on a roll and getting into a groove, and now the kids seem to have forgotten all their algebra. Tomorrow's test will tell....

Banana Bread for the Teacher's Soul

So I have had 4 brown shriveled up bananas in my freezer for a few months now. I saw them every time I opened the door and thought, I should make banana bread, and frankly got a little annoyed they were still sitting there. But I never took the time (or umm, had the time) to do it. Finally this weekend, after staying at school till 5 on Friday and working all afternoon/early evening Saturday, I had the time on Sunday.

Baking to me is like therapy. I started baking when I lived in New York and got a Kitchenaid mixer for Christma--I mean Hannukka. I don't do it enough now. Mostly because I don't have roommates to pawn the stuff off on and then I'd just get fat. When I can make enough for my classes I'll do it, but that is more of a chore than therapy!

This was great, I got rid of the bananas, made something delicious, and my whole apt smelled nice. And I got to bring in treats today for a few lucky individuals.

Ms. Bright works across the hall from me. She has been there for advice daily, she's seen my cry, vent and scream, she's taken kids that were driving me crazy, had a 'come to jesus' meeting with them and then just made them work quietly in her room when that didn't work. She's even come and spoken to my class to tell them to wise up. Basically, my life at Whites Creek is better because of her. I was so happy to bring her something I'd made with love to let her know how much I appreciated her help.

She made me feel better too--we talked about my sappy card and she said, "you know, I really appreciate your drive, that you haven't given up yet despite how tough it is." I think there were bets in this school about how long I'd last, not a single one had me coming back after the Holidays, but I am still here. Still plugging away.

I think when I have smushy brown bananas in my freezer, and I know what I need to do with them--I need to just do it. I need to stop being annoyed at them and use them instead for something good. This might be a crappy metaphor, but I'm not an English teacher, so forgive me. The point is, I am going to stop dwelling on what's going wrong, I am going to realize that I am a fighter (just like I wrote in all those b-school/TFA applications) and keep fighting. Keep doing good stuff with what I have, even if it just looks like a mushy old frozen banana. (Now you totally want to try the stuff right? It got rave reviews you know....)

Being Positive?

So my mom mentioned that maybe I shouldn't complain so much on this blog. Is that what it sounds like? Am I too negative all the time? umm, probably.

Let's try saying some good stuff.

They were right about it getting better. Sort of. I mean, I know my material better. Much better--I can teach the concepts with an eye towards where we are going, I know the ways in which to explain the concepts that these kids get, and I am a little more organized, because I know how helpful that is.

It's also just nice to see friendly faces in the hallway. My kids from last semester, even when they groaned and growled at homework, classwork, pretty much any work, give me hugs in the hallway and tell me they miss me. They even ask knowingly if I miss them. One of the girls that gave me the most hell 1st period last semester said, "how are your classes this semester Ms. Sudow? Are they as bad as we were?" At least she understands what she put me through. She is the same one that said she probably could have got it if she'd been paying attention all along. I asked her if she remembered that in her classes now, if she was, in fact, paying attention and doing her work from the start, she said she was. Let's hope that's the case.

I realized, well have known it all along, but it's become clearer to me, that I did not become a teacher to teach Algebra 2. Yes the math skills in my class are important, but I want to teach more than that. I want to teach responsibility, work ethic, love of learning--all that good stuff. All the things that somehow were just in me, maybe it was Potomac, maybe it was my parents. These kids don't have that, for so many reasons they don't have that. One is that they have no idea what the 'real world' looks like. They don't really have anything concrete to reach for because they don't seem to know what success really looks like. I want to show them that somehow. I want them to see the other side so they know how to act. I want them to be invested. That is probably the toughest part of my job. To see so much potential in these kids, but they've gotten away for so long with mediocrity, with pushing people away and getting kicked out class, that there really isn't much reason for them to try anymore.

I am going to keep working at it. I am going to keep getting on my soap box every once in a while to help them understand, or see what's out there. Hopefully they'll actually listen and not just think I am some rich girl who doesn't have a clue.

Initiation

Fights are not new to Whites Creek. But they are new to the Business and Economics hallway, we usually hold it down.

I felt it coming. Just after the bell, Sleepy, one of my geometry students from last semester, was standing in the hall with four or five other boys, those 4 walked away all singing some song, in unison. That was the moment. I knew something was up. I looked to sleepy, who put one hand up in the air, waving it at them, using expletives and talking about gangs.

Crap.

The boys rushed at Sleepy as I yelled for them to cool it. White girl in her Jcrew sweater telling boys with gold grillz not to rush at each other for who knows what anger they've got. Not so effective.

I didn't want to insert myself, but somehow 5 boys turned to 15, and the mob moved towards me, all of the sudden, there I was right in the middle of it--not a good place when fists are flailing and blindly punching whatever is in front of them.

So then, like any smart not very large human who does not want a black eye, and who sees her favorite savior teacher running across the hallway, I ran. We called for help, I talked to one of my students who also accidentally got mixed up in it to make sure she was ok, and then savior teacher number 2 came down the hall. This woman does not play. She broke up what was left right away and worked to comfort whoever got hurt.

Yes, this is more interesting than my usual posts, and yes, teachers and students spent much of the rest of the day reliving what happened and, well, gossiping. I did it too, despite my better judgement.

What's sad here is that Sleepy will probably be kicked out of Whites Creek. Sleepy who told me he was 'The truth' in my class, who took his grillz out when he'd come to tutoring so he could be serious, and who passed my class because he studied and tried the best he could to get his grade up.

What happens to him now? He goes to an alternative school where he can hope to get some kind of degree, maybe. Is a degree from an alternative school as good as a degree from a normal one? Is the fact that he got in a fight at his normal high school forever on his record? I'm not really sure. But I have a feeling the fighting that started at 7:06 this morning didn't end at 7:10. I have a feeling it's going on right now, that his gang is retaliating, that they are rallying and that something will probably go on at school tomorrow. I have a feeling this won't be the last time Sleepy gets in a fight.

Often it's the good ones that end up getting kicked out for these fights. Often the ones that drive you crazy in class just keep driving you crazy.

This is the part of teaching that is heart-wrenching. This is one of those teachable moments they tell you about--I tried to talk to my advisees today about not fighting (because all they could do was talk about it). About being the bigger person and not stooping to the other person's level. About keeping your head down, doing well in school and rising above the fight. The message was lost on the students who needed to hear it most.

For my part, I feel a little tougher, initiated into what it's like to break up a fight (or umm, call someone else to do it), and energized to keep trying to teach them to be humans, not just mathematicians.