Fire in the Belly

No more despondence, no more scared, no more hyperventilating--well not at school anyway. At school, in my classroom, Don't mess with Ms. Sudow.

Sarah's quitting (the teacher that worked next door to me) only made me more determined. Only made me realize that these little sh-ts will NOT get the better of me. They will NOT rule my life and they will NOT act out in class. I will show up every day, and I will lay down the law.

Today I wore a full black suit, my hair pulled back, and a no nonsense attitude. I did not give kids warnings, I went straight to angry eyes. I told them to have a seat and get to work, just like I do every day, but today, there was more force behind it.

Today, after repeatedly telling him to be quiet, to pay attention and to stop distracting the class, and still he was talking, I told Alex (changing names here) to 'SHUT UP.' I do not tell kids to shut up, I don't want to use disrespectful language like that in my classroom and I get pissed at them when they do. So why did I tell him to shut up? Because at that moment, Alex did NOT deserve my respect. Alex was not respecting me or my classroom, or his peers. He was wasting learning time and my time, and I was not going to have it. My other two classes followed in a very similar fashion. Me yelling, telling the class they were not performing the way I expected them to, and telling them that it was not in my personality to yell and be angry like this. But that they make me angry, they make me need to raise my voice and be disrespectful becase that seems to be the only way to get their attention.

Today at Whites Creek High, there was a fight. Most probably a gang related fight. It took (from what I can count from fellow teacher's accounts)at least 10 teachers and administrators to break it up. We had to call in police support to fully end it. The entire school felt it. As big as that building is, from my post on the second floor, my kids knew something was going on downstairs and two hallways away. The hallway was raucus, they were running up and down, headed towards the fight, hearded away from it. We shut our doors when most of our kids were in them. Downstairs they locked the kids in so they couldn't join the fighting or egg them on.

"Welcome to Whites Creek" my 4th period class told me. Oh no child, this will NOT be Whites Creek for long, not if Mr. Lang has anything to do with it. This will end. We the teachers and administrators will fight back. And we will fight to give you the chance you deserve. To give you the education you try so hard every day, every minute, to avoid. You need guidance, you need structure and you need discipline, and we are here to give it to you.

So no. I will not quit, I will not back down. I will continue to be a hardass. I will continue to yell until you choose to realize, that I don't need to. I will keep working on lesson plans. I will find ways to make this very hard math understandable to you. And I will continue to remediate where other teachers have failed, or where you my friend have failed to listen. You are not getting rid of me. I will not back down. At least not now. At least not until my lungs tell me I must. But until that day, I will be there, in your face, Gwen, because I learned about proximity. Because I learned about relentless pursuit of results, and I will not stop until I get you to get the results you deserve.

In the process of me not backing down, of me showing up every day ready to teach you not only math, but how to be a respectful human being, I hope that we can gain mutual respect for one another. That we can build relationships that will help you understand why I am trying so hard, and you will know what it is you deserve, what you can get with hard work and dedication--a quality education, a higher education, and a chance to make more of yourself than being in a gang, supporting babies at 18, and working a job you don't love because it is the only one you are qualified for.

That is the fire in my belly, and that, along with adreinalin and caffeine is why I am fired up this evening.

I thought I would feel better after the weekend....

This job is so hard, I don't know how I am going to come out at the other side. I worked from 10-3 yesterday and from 9-6 today. I didn't accomplish all the things I set out to, and I am nervous I did a terrible job the last two weeks which means my kids are going to fail the tests I have planned for them this week.

I am so scared that this is how my life is going to be for the next 4-5 months--what if staying sane means working 15 hours on the weekend? Where does that leave my sanity and my social life and my visits to Zack and his visits to me. I want to spend time with him and with friends without being nervous I should be planning. I want to sleep. I want to feel like I am making a difference instead of spinning my wheels.

I swear I am giving myself an ulcer or something. When I think of everything I need to do, and everything I need to teach I want to throw up, or cry or hide or something. How am I going to have the strength to do this? Did I really sign up for this? Do I have to go into work tomorrow?

I am so scared every day, every minute of my life is going to be tainted with me being a basket case. Will I be able to keep my head above water when I get back to school each week? I don't want to sacrifice my life, my health, my love for these kids. But I am afraid of failing. I am apparently a perfectionist and want to be good at this damnit. What is the point of the kids being in my classroom if I can't teach them well?...apparently that's why i have put in so many hours. That is why I pull out my hair, don't shower, haven't cooked myself dinner in a week, haven't been to the gym, don't have a voice, and am just now realizing I got very behind on my vest as I cough up green goo every 7 minutes.

What will give? Will it be their education? My sanity? My health?

End Week 2 Throwup and lemonade

We have rules in this school, but you would never know it from the way the kids behave. And yes I call them young adults, but they certainly do not act like it.

3rd period, my honors class. Can't get them to pay attention for the life of me. Bell rings and they are rushing out the door, I hear out of the corner of my ear "Shondria threw up" I think they are joking, but then I look, there it is brown liquid on the floor of my classroom...I ask if she's really sick or if she just choked on her diet dr. pepper (note, maybe you shouldn't drink 3 sodas a day and you wouldn't be so sick).

There is throw up on my floor, the classroom is a mess, I need to get ready for the next class to come in. So I call Mr. Surls the head custodian, no answer. I call Ms. Bedell, the woman that sits in the front of Principal Lang's office, no answer. I go out in the hall to get my kids to come in and get to work, realize I don't have a bell ringer to get them to get to work on, I tell Eric who is flirting with some girl in the hall to get into class. She has a lemonade in her hand, she basically dumps it on Eric, the hall, and me. Then RUNS down the hall, away from getting in trouble, and cleaning up after herself. Eric comes into my classroom and makes a stink about how his shirt is wet. I call again. This time Principal Lang answers, I bark, not realizing it's my boss--'There is throwup on my floor and lemonade in the hall'...He reassures me someone will come clean it up. The kids are not pleased, to say the least.

Fast forward to quiz review before we take our quiz today (still in 4th period). I'm not sure how it happened, but somehow Brittney lost part of her weave. Eric (yes, the same Eric who provoked the lemonade fight), took the piece of hair, put it on his head and starts posing for the camera that Shatequa just happened to have handy. The entire class thinks this is hysterical and could care less about polynomial long division.

That was my friday afternoon. How was yours?

Eye Opening

Things they try to prepare you for but never really can:

1) Arriving at school at 6:00 am to make copies for class, only to find the doors locked.
2) Finally getting into school and needing to line up to make copies at the 1 Rizo machine in the whole school, we only had blue paper and weren't even sure it was ours to use.
3) Getting in a fight with a 16 year old about whether or not she was disrupting my class and asking her to move seats. Then telling her 'This is not an argument' and having her say, 'yes, so why you arguing with me about it?'
4) Working from 2:30pm-7:30pm on diagnostic tests and lesson plans, only to return to the 1 rizo machine in the building to make all my copies (2 2-page hand outs about classroom culture and 9-page tests for 64 students) only to find it was out of ink. Not to mention that would have taken hours.
5) Paying $65 at Kinkos after a tax free and TFA discount for above copies
6) Arriving home at 9:00pm needing to eat, staple 44 of my tests, make mini lesson plans in case we finish early tomorrow, do my vest (yes I still have CF), pay my bills due this week and get to bed at a reasonable hour so I can do it all again tomorrow morning.

Yes. This is hard. Let's hope it gets better....But I am not so sure, I haven't even planned a real lesson yet!

Proving People Wrong

Whites Creek has a reputation, or five. To start off with, the school was 'Fresh Started' this year. Which means all teachers were handed a pink slip on the last day of school in the spring. Thew new principal only hired back the ones he believed could prove people wrong.

Crips and Bloods are big at our school. My air conditioner told me so (in permanent marker--you better believe that's the only way I know how to spell 'Crips' insteand of 'Crypts')...along with everyone else in Nashville to whom you mention that's where you are teaching.

The average ACT score for our school this past year was a 16. For those unfamiliar with the ACT, the average for admitted students to University of Tennessee is a 23, the average at Vanderbilt is a 30. Our kids didn't have a chance.

But somehow, I think we are going to prove people wrong. Mr. Lang, our principal, has vision. He wants to turn this school around and he seems to really know what it takes to get there. The 50 odd faculty members, both veteran and brand new seem to have so much energy and enthusiasm, as well as a ton of ideas about how to make this school better than it has ever been.

Already students and parents have come into the school and noticed changes. It's cleaner, more open, more well groomed. Lockers are moving, libraries are moving digital, and Mr. Lang wants to build an internet cafe. Not too shabby.

Not that hitting rock bottom is really a good thing. But maybe it took that to shake the school and bring it back. We have so much opportunity here to make a difference. I certainly picked the right school in which to make a difference--not that I picked it at all, I was put there, but every day I'm there (so far anyway) I am glad about it.

I hope this continues when the kids come. I hope the palpable excitement and optimism in the faculty translates to the students fully understanding, and eventually realizing their potential.

For my part, my classroom is fully decked out in Cobra red and blue, my rewards system is almost in order, and I plan to be a hard ass for at least the first 2 weeks. I can't even imagine how far from my plan my classroom management and lessons will stray, or how many times I will need to call for help from the experienced teachers down the hall.

For now, however, I am optimistic that this is, in fact, Whites Creek High School's year to shine, that this is when we turn it around, and facing adversity never meant so much to me, to my students, and to everyone in the building.

Classroom Cleanup

Room 233, that's mine. I've finally figured out the maze that is our high school to get there without having to question my route, and I dread when the students come and I have to walk through the locker bays when they are full of rowdy teenagers.

It's a big classroom, with just a small window looking out into the courtyard of Whites Creek. And it's all mine. That's the cool part. I can do whatever I want in here, decorate my way, throw away what I want, use what I don't throw out, and most importantly find ways to inspire mathematicians!

So first of, let's take an inventory. I walked into my room yesterday and found:
3 large desks
1 podium, every inch of which is covered with doodles
1 sort of podium with folding leaves on either side
2 bookshelves whose paint and wood are chipping off, full of Algebra 1 books
3 fans, one broken
3 computers (all post 2005 at least)
2 monitors
1 printer (minus the power cord)
1 phone
1 gigantic mess of wires
32 desk chairs for the kids
2 large cabinets, both full of crap, one locked with a key I don't have
1 bookshelf, again full of Algebra 1 books
3 white boards, all dirty, some lined with sparkly and polka dot liners that teachers like to use to make things look cute
2 half hexagon tables

You get the general idea. Lots of crap. After moving, and re-moving the chairs into a suitable formation, I moved the desks--glad that meant moving the chairs again. I made myself a nice little area to sit and work, and set up the 'While you were out' table as well as a place for the crates that will hold all my students' work.

Today I tackled the orange closet of math history.

Useful things I found in the closet:
Geometry and Algebra 2 textbooks
Lots of Protractors
Lots of compasses
Big pieces of construction paper
what has to be at least 5 reams of computer paper
a TI-83 (WAHOOO)
Cool math activities
Math in the world binder of activities
CDs to help me make tests (For Algebra 1, Algebra 2, Geometry, Pre-Calc and Calc)
an easel that I don't know quite what to do with yet, but there as to be something cool I can put on it.
Mrs. Henley's lesson plan binder (did someone say re-use?)

Not so useful things I found in there
6, count them 6 floppy disks--you know, those plastic things you used to store stuff on
Lesson plans from Advanced Calculus, FROM 1998
a chain, a 3 feet long metal link chain
a tape holder for giaganto tape that leaked sand
TCAP tests
Paper Airplanes (apparently this was geometry class work, I'm down, maybe these should go in the helpful pile)
Student notebooks
Mr. Watkins' end of year checkout list (apparently he didn't need it)
Tennessee Language Arts standards from 1993
plastic covers for electronic equipment that was NOT in the mystery cabinet.
a large piece of cloth with lisense plates from all 50 states

Oh, and were you curious what was in the white styrafoam cooler? Umm, it's scary. old tennis balls, a wooden tennis raquet, a puzzle, shoots and ladders, scary graduate dolls, some plastic green leafy things-what?

Here are my before and after pictures:

Before:


After:


Pile o crap


You get the idea, I have my work cut out for me. At least I am not Mr. Proctor, he has scary snakes in jars and other weird biology things to work with. Not to mention drawers and boxes full of lab equipment in no particular order. Good luck to you, sir!

Tomorrow is decorating time. Geometry builds bridges and I intend to build two to track student progress above my white boards. Hopefully creative juices will be flowing and the parent teacher store will have just what I need....and maybe some floppy disks too.

Ch-ch-changes

Well, it's been a while since I last posted (shocking), since the CF walk I was accepted to Teach for America and asked to be in Nashville, my new home, in 3 weeks. Wait, what? Quit my job, pack up my life, do some pre-institute homework, take a teacher test, get finger printed and move across the country all in 3 weeks? Wow.

I did it. And I lived to tell about it.

So now is teacher prep time. A week and a day before the students arrive, and I can't believe what I've already seen. I taught summer school in Atlanta while I learned to lesson plan and manage behavior (or at least was taught how). I was shocked at the level of my 8th graders basic math skills--they saw a negative or a decimal and freaked out, they count on their fingers and have trouble with basic multiplication tables I learned in 3rd grade. This is why I am here. That is unacceptable--how did these kids get to 8th grade, and now high school, lacking such basic skills? I saw a disconnect between teachers and administrators, between school goals and student goals, and between students and their investment in school and achieving. I hope to keep writing, not only so that I remember my feelings, my first impressions, thoughts upon further reflection and ways I think might fix this, but also so that you, whoever you are, realize what an injustice is going on in our back yard. Yes, I know, melodramatic for AlyTalksALot, but it's true! So yes, my main cause is fighting CF, and I am still working hard to fight my own CF and raise money to fight it for everyone else, but now, I have a new crusade, and that is somehow, tackling the public education system, starting with Whites Creek High School in the Metro Nashville Public School district.

Here goes nothing