Fire in the Belly

No more despondence, no more scared, no more hyperventilating--well not at school anyway. At school, in my classroom, Don't mess with Ms. Sudow.

Sarah's quitting (the teacher that worked next door to me) only made me more determined. Only made me realize that these little sh-ts will NOT get the better of me. They will NOT rule my life and they will NOT act out in class. I will show up every day, and I will lay down the law.

Today I wore a full black suit, my hair pulled back, and a no nonsense attitude. I did not give kids warnings, I went straight to angry eyes. I told them to have a seat and get to work, just like I do every day, but today, there was more force behind it.

Today, after repeatedly telling him to be quiet, to pay attention and to stop distracting the class, and still he was talking, I told Alex (changing names here) to 'SHUT UP.' I do not tell kids to shut up, I don't want to use disrespectful language like that in my classroom and I get pissed at them when they do. So why did I tell him to shut up? Because at that moment, Alex did NOT deserve my respect. Alex was not respecting me or my classroom, or his peers. He was wasting learning time and my time, and I was not going to have it. My other two classes followed in a very similar fashion. Me yelling, telling the class they were not performing the way I expected them to, and telling them that it was not in my personality to yell and be angry like this. But that they make me angry, they make me need to raise my voice and be disrespectful becase that seems to be the only way to get their attention.

Today at Whites Creek High, there was a fight. Most probably a gang related fight. It took (from what I can count from fellow teacher's accounts)at least 10 teachers and administrators to break it up. We had to call in police support to fully end it. The entire school felt it. As big as that building is, from my post on the second floor, my kids knew something was going on downstairs and two hallways away. The hallway was raucus, they were running up and down, headed towards the fight, hearded away from it. We shut our doors when most of our kids were in them. Downstairs they locked the kids in so they couldn't join the fighting or egg them on.

"Welcome to Whites Creek" my 4th period class told me. Oh no child, this will NOT be Whites Creek for long, not if Mr. Lang has anything to do with it. This will end. We the teachers and administrators will fight back. And we will fight to give you the chance you deserve. To give you the education you try so hard every day, every minute, to avoid. You need guidance, you need structure and you need discipline, and we are here to give it to you.

So no. I will not quit, I will not back down. I will continue to be a hardass. I will continue to yell until you choose to realize, that I don't need to. I will keep working on lesson plans. I will find ways to make this very hard math understandable to you. And I will continue to remediate where other teachers have failed, or where you my friend have failed to listen. You are not getting rid of me. I will not back down. At least not now. At least not until my lungs tell me I must. But until that day, I will be there, in your face, Gwen, because I learned about proximity. Because I learned about relentless pursuit of results, and I will not stop until I get you to get the results you deserve.

In the process of me not backing down, of me showing up every day ready to teach you not only math, but how to be a respectful human being, I hope that we can gain mutual respect for one another. That we can build relationships that will help you understand why I am trying so hard, and you will know what it is you deserve, what you can get with hard work and dedication--a quality education, a higher education, and a chance to make more of yourself than being in a gang, supporting babies at 18, and working a job you don't love because it is the only one you are qualified for.

That is the fire in my belly, and that, along with adreinalin and caffeine is why I am fired up this evening.