This job is so hard, I don't know how I am going to come out at the other side. I worked from 10-3 yesterday and from 9-6 today. I didn't accomplish all the things I set out to, and I am nervous I did a terrible job the last two weeks which means my kids are going to fail the tests I have planned for them this week.
I am so scared that this is how my life is going to be for the next 4-5 months--what if staying sane means working 15 hours on the weekend? Where does that leave my sanity and my social life and my visits to Zack and his visits to me. I want to spend time with him and with friends without being nervous I should be planning. I want to sleep. I want to feel like I am making a difference instead of spinning my wheels.
I swear I am giving myself an ulcer or something. When I think of everything I need to do, and everything I need to teach I want to throw up, or cry or hide or something. How am I going to have the strength to do this? Did I really sign up for this? Do I have to go into work tomorrow?
I am so scared every day, every minute of my life is going to be tainted with me being a basket case. Will I be able to keep my head above water when I get back to school each week? I don't want to sacrifice my life, my health, my love for these kids. But I am afraid of failing. I am apparently a perfectionist and want to be good at this damnit. What is the point of the kids being in my classroom if I can't teach them well?...apparently that's why i have put in so many hours. That is why I pull out my hair, don't shower, haven't cooked myself dinner in a week, haven't been to the gym, don't have a voice, and am just now realizing I got very behind on my vest as I cough up green goo every 7 minutes.
What will give? Will it be their education? My sanity? My health?
No comments:
Post a Comment