It's the little things that keep you going. You have to find them somewhere. Chris straggled into my class 10 minutes late today. This is pretty normal. He wears gold grillz in his teeth, has dreads and used to be asleep half the time in class. Lately he's been trying. Answering questions when I am at the board and asking for help when we do independent practice. He's starting to get it. Today after Mr. Deans hearded him into my classroom and made sure I made a note of his tardiness, Chris tried. I helped him with some of the problems. In the hallway as class was moving, he saw me and Mr. Deans and said, Mr. Deans, "I am the TRUTH in that class now." All excited and proud of himself.
I just smiled. I think I am getting through to at least one of them.
Friday, September 25, 2009
Friday, September 18, 2009
Pep Rallies at 9am
For some reason at Whites Creek we have pep rallies as a morning activity. So today at 8:20am I released my hellians to head down to the gym to get all riled up for the rest of the day.
At the pep rally I realized that those hellians that make my life really hard, who I work for every day and who gave me attitude and act like they know everything about anything in life are really just high school kids.
They are cheerleaders, they are dancers, they they have Cobra spirit. They support their school, their class and their teams. I remember that feeling--that pride I had in Potomac, the excitement of a big game day.
Somehow I got tears in my eyes. It could be because I am tired and overly emotional. It could also be because of that realization, that they are just kids, and I am part of their lives, somehow molding them, guiding them through the tough years of high school. And there is more to their lives than geometry homework.
As I walked out of the gym with a fellow teacher, recounting my day yesterday, he said to me, as much as they have a tough exterior and can talk back and talk tough, inside they are just scared little kids needing guidance and an opportunity to succeed.
At the pep rally I realized that those hellians that make my life really hard, who I work for every day and who gave me attitude and act like they know everything about anything in life are really just high school kids.
They are cheerleaders, they are dancers, they they have Cobra spirit. They support their school, their class and their teams. I remember that feeling--that pride I had in Potomac, the excitement of a big game day.
Somehow I got tears in my eyes. It could be because I am tired and overly emotional. It could also be because of that realization, that they are just kids, and I am part of their lives, somehow molding them, guiding them through the tough years of high school. And there is more to their lives than geometry homework.
As I walked out of the gym with a fellow teacher, recounting my day yesterday, he said to me, as much as they have a tough exterior and can talk back and talk tough, inside they are just scared little kids needing guidance and an opportunity to succeed.
Thursday, September 17, 2009
Demoralized. And fuming. With an empty kitchen
I hate that I eat when I am emotional. It might actually be better for me if I were to drink. Today after every period I needed a tootsie roll. I am diabetic. I ate everything I brought to school, and then went home and ate my whole kitchen, well aside from the counters.
Today my first period class was hell. Everyone was talking, no one was listening. I handed out white boards and they just doodled on them. I asked Quinn to clean off the doodles of her NAME on the desk to which she is assigned. She asked me how I knew she'd done it. I told her because I am a detective and it was purple pen (which you were writing with yesterday), your NAME in the seat where YOU SIT. She sort of cleaned it off, while complaining. When I returned, there was a happy face in blue ink, just like the blue pen she was writing in. Again she asked me how I knew she'd done it.
While that was going on, Tara walked over to Keola and asked for lip gloss, gum and a tissue. I told them it was work time not CVS time. They all laughed. I told them I was serious, get back to your seat please and get to work.
Not to mention I did not get through my lesson, they did not understand, and who cares anyway since even if they understand today, they won't understand tomorrow.
Then they all packed up their bags with 5 minutes until the bell rang and stood by the door. While I was helping another student and talking to them about the discipline issues I saw today, they found scotch tape on my desk (ie they rummaged through my stuff) and then used pretty much the whole role making a finish line from my door to the two desks closest to it. When I went to clean it up and yelled at them they all just laughed at me. I told them all to get back to their seats, the bell had not rung. They laughed at me, some went back. I told them that tape costs money, if I have to buy new tape because they wasted it, I can't buy candy for them to purchase with their math money. I doubt they cared. Then the bell rang mid-sentence and despite my efforts, they practically ran me over as they ran out the door.
Third period was only slightly better. But I have higher expectations for them since they are my honors kids. I sent out Troyvonne for being disrespectful--he didn't sit in his assigned seat, he didn't do his bell ringer, he flirted with Erin, I asked him to move, he didn't. When he did, instead of brushing Erin's hair and tickling her, he brushed Sarah's hair and bugged her. She did not enjoy it the way Erin does. When he stood up in my classroom for the fifth time, I gave him my best teacher glare. He rolled his eyes, or rather his whole head right back, I told him not do that, he did again. I sent him to the office.
That was third period. Fourth period if possible, got worse.
Admittedly I was very riled up. Emotional wreck and furious might be the right words for it. Great day for me to forget to make a bell ringer. So I was writing one on the board as they filtered in. Since this was not the normal procedure of getting the worksheet off the podium as they walk in, they were not entirely sure what to do. Then Brianne returned from being sick. I made sure to ask if she was feeling better. Then I reminded everyone they had a quiz, to which Brianne smartly replied that she would not be taking it. Brianne, I would like you to take it, but you will be able to take it again. "how you gonna give me a quiz on stuff you ain't taught me?"
This launched us into some berrating, telling me what a bad teacher I was, May joined in since telling me I am a bad teacher is her favorite thing to do.
Brianne got frustrated enough that she asked to leave the room. I practically held the door for her on her way out.
I tried to go back to teaching, I tried to regain control, let them see how I was going over what we'd done yesterday before moving on to today's lesson. Brittney returned. I told her I was reteaching, she should listen. More berrating how she doesn't get it because she wasn't there. I don't spell out the steps, I am not a good teacher, I give tests that are too hard, I move to fast.
Then she decided to tell me that she had to graduate and get out of here. Yes, I know Brianne. "If I don't graduate this year, someone is gonna be in trouble" I asked if she would have any fault in it if she didn't graduate--absolutely not she said"
The funny thing is, as she told me what a crappy teacher I was, she was also telling me how wonderful a teacher Ms. Krentz was. Which I agree with, except for the fact that when Brittney was in Ms. Krentz's class all she did was be a bitch and tell her she wasn't a good teacher. Hmm, can we find a common denominator here? (wow I've been a math teacher too long).
(Very) long and short, I had to leave. I thought I could let them get it out and get back to my lesson, but when Mr. Deans walked into my room (called by Brianne), and I just handed him the marker and walked away. I tried to keep it together but I knew the tears were coming, I knew it would be a flood and I would not be able to stop it while he stood there and taught my class. While he got their attention and their respect, the respect that seems so remiss when I am up there.
I left. I walked out the door and into the hall to breathe. Even that wasn't enough. I spent the majority of the period crying to the freshman counselor and Ms. Zellars our curriculum dean. Thank goodness for the support at Whites Creek. They made me realize it wasn't me, it was these tough kids. That yes, I do need to move fast, but I need to find a way to build their confidence so that moving fast won't freak them out. Give them something to do first that they get, then make it harder. Isn't that what I am doing? Didn't I feel like there were days when Brianne was getting my lesson? Why does she forget it a day later when she has a quiz? Why does she blame me? Why does she do it in front of the entire class.
Why did I move 2500 miles away from my love, my life, my friends and a job that fed me and gave me stock options to be yelled at by a 17 year old?
I think it's because I want to help students just like her. Students that know they need to graduate and who have been held to such low standards that they think they have to go slow. They think it's acceptable not to cover all the material, that 75% on a test where you are only asked the first level of Bloom's Taxonomy (define, identify) is ok. Nope, it's not. I know you can do better, and I will show you you can do better.
Hopefully I will get it together as a teacher in time to help Brianne, and the rest of my students. Hopefully my teaching and classroom management will evolve to the point where I can get through a lesson AND give them practice and confidence to be ready to move on to the next objective without a struggle.
Until then I will keep needing to eat my kitchen, but perhaps I should start working out again just to make sure I balance it out. Until then I will write long ass blog posts to pour out my heart and feelings, to remember how it felt to be a first year teacher in a title 1 school. I do need to find something that makes me happy. Maybe it's this blog. Maybe it's sleepytime tea and a book. Perhaps working out again will bring me clarity instead of stress from knowing I am taking an hour away from time I should be planning.
It will get better. Somehow, tomorrow, or next week, or next month will be better than today. Somehow I will reach at least some of these kids. And somehow, they will pass my class.
Today my first period class was hell. Everyone was talking, no one was listening. I handed out white boards and they just doodled on them. I asked Quinn to clean off the doodles of her NAME on the desk to which she is assigned. She asked me how I knew she'd done it. I told her because I am a detective and it was purple pen (which you were writing with yesterday), your NAME in the seat where YOU SIT. She sort of cleaned it off, while complaining. When I returned, there was a happy face in blue ink, just like the blue pen she was writing in. Again she asked me how I knew she'd done it.
While that was going on, Tara walked over to Keola and asked for lip gloss, gum and a tissue. I told them it was work time not CVS time. They all laughed. I told them I was serious, get back to your seat please and get to work.
Not to mention I did not get through my lesson, they did not understand, and who cares anyway since even if they understand today, they won't understand tomorrow.
Then they all packed up their bags with 5 minutes until the bell rang and stood by the door. While I was helping another student and talking to them about the discipline issues I saw today, they found scotch tape on my desk (ie they rummaged through my stuff) and then used pretty much the whole role making a finish line from my door to the two desks closest to it. When I went to clean it up and yelled at them they all just laughed at me. I told them all to get back to their seats, the bell had not rung. They laughed at me, some went back. I told them that tape costs money, if I have to buy new tape because they wasted it, I can't buy candy for them to purchase with their math money. I doubt they cared. Then the bell rang mid-sentence and despite my efforts, they practically ran me over as they ran out the door.
Third period was only slightly better. But I have higher expectations for them since they are my honors kids. I sent out Troyvonne for being disrespectful--he didn't sit in his assigned seat, he didn't do his bell ringer, he flirted with Erin, I asked him to move, he didn't. When he did, instead of brushing Erin's hair and tickling her, he brushed Sarah's hair and bugged her. She did not enjoy it the way Erin does. When he stood up in my classroom for the fifth time, I gave him my best teacher glare. He rolled his eyes, or rather his whole head right back, I told him not do that, he did again. I sent him to the office.
That was third period. Fourth period if possible, got worse.
Admittedly I was very riled up. Emotional wreck and furious might be the right words for it. Great day for me to forget to make a bell ringer. So I was writing one on the board as they filtered in. Since this was not the normal procedure of getting the worksheet off the podium as they walk in, they were not entirely sure what to do. Then Brianne returned from being sick. I made sure to ask if she was feeling better. Then I reminded everyone they had a quiz, to which Brianne smartly replied that she would not be taking it. Brianne, I would like you to take it, but you will be able to take it again. "how you gonna give me a quiz on stuff you ain't taught me?"
This launched us into some berrating, telling me what a bad teacher I was, May joined in since telling me I am a bad teacher is her favorite thing to do.
Brianne got frustrated enough that she asked to leave the room. I practically held the door for her on her way out.
I tried to go back to teaching, I tried to regain control, let them see how I was going over what we'd done yesterday before moving on to today's lesson. Brittney returned. I told her I was reteaching, she should listen. More berrating how she doesn't get it because she wasn't there. I don't spell out the steps, I am not a good teacher, I give tests that are too hard, I move to fast.
Then she decided to tell me that she had to graduate and get out of here. Yes, I know Brianne. "If I don't graduate this year, someone is gonna be in trouble" I asked if she would have any fault in it if she didn't graduate--absolutely not she said"
The funny thing is, as she told me what a crappy teacher I was, she was also telling me how wonderful a teacher Ms. Krentz was. Which I agree with, except for the fact that when Brittney was in Ms. Krentz's class all she did was be a bitch and tell her she wasn't a good teacher. Hmm, can we find a common denominator here? (wow I've been a math teacher too long).
(Very) long and short, I had to leave. I thought I could let them get it out and get back to my lesson, but when Mr. Deans walked into my room (called by Brianne), and I just handed him the marker and walked away. I tried to keep it together but I knew the tears were coming, I knew it would be a flood and I would not be able to stop it while he stood there and taught my class. While he got their attention and their respect, the respect that seems so remiss when I am up there.
I left. I walked out the door and into the hall to breathe. Even that wasn't enough. I spent the majority of the period crying to the freshman counselor and Ms. Zellars our curriculum dean. Thank goodness for the support at Whites Creek. They made me realize it wasn't me, it was these tough kids. That yes, I do need to move fast, but I need to find a way to build their confidence so that moving fast won't freak them out. Give them something to do first that they get, then make it harder. Isn't that what I am doing? Didn't I feel like there were days when Brianne was getting my lesson? Why does she forget it a day later when she has a quiz? Why does she blame me? Why does she do it in front of the entire class.
Why did I move 2500 miles away from my love, my life, my friends and a job that fed me and gave me stock options to be yelled at by a 17 year old?
I think it's because I want to help students just like her. Students that know they need to graduate and who have been held to such low standards that they think they have to go slow. They think it's acceptable not to cover all the material, that 75% on a test where you are only asked the first level of Bloom's Taxonomy (define, identify) is ok. Nope, it's not. I know you can do better, and I will show you you can do better.
Hopefully I will get it together as a teacher in time to help Brianne, and the rest of my students. Hopefully my teaching and classroom management will evolve to the point where I can get through a lesson AND give them practice and confidence to be ready to move on to the next objective without a struggle.
Until then I will keep needing to eat my kitchen, but perhaps I should start working out again just to make sure I balance it out. Until then I will write long ass blog posts to pour out my heart and feelings, to remember how it felt to be a first year teacher in a title 1 school. I do need to find something that makes me happy. Maybe it's this blog. Maybe it's sleepytime tea and a book. Perhaps working out again will bring me clarity instead of stress from knowing I am taking an hour away from time I should be planning.
It will get better. Somehow, tomorrow, or next week, or next month will be better than today. Somehow I will reach at least some of these kids. And somehow, they will pass my class.
Monday, September 14, 2009
Babies and a GED
2fer tonight because I had two different things to talk about.
Fast forward to 4th period. One of my girls, Jai (Again changing names) has a three month old baby. He was sick two weeks ago and she was out almost the whole week. But she tried--she came in and picked up work one day, she grabbed everything she missed when she came back.
The first time she missed class because she couldn't get a sitter I asked her where she was, that's how I found out about her son. We talked about how she needed to keep coming to school and graduate so she can provide for herself, she said, "yes, and for him." Amazing. Thank you Jai. Thank you for caring and for valuing education.
I now give her a unit plan and make sure she knows what she'll miss if she ever needs to stay home for him.
Today I asked about him. How he was feeling because I want to build a relationship with her, and because I genuinely care. She said she was having trouble finding people to watch him. She mentioned something that was supposed to happen that wasn't and time was running out. I am not sure what it was, but she said if it didn't, she would have to quit school.
Jai and I haven't built and amazing relationship, but she's fun, she works and she asks lots of questions. She's funny about what she doesn't get, and often doesn't want to know why if she can just figure out the how, and she's not shy about telling you. She's also been helping a ton in class by tutoring some of the others that are behind, and not to mention modeling the kind of participation I would love from all of my students.
Also, I know how important and high school degree is for all my students, but for her in particular. She already has a hurdle, and a big one, having to take care of a baby. If she doesn't get this degree she is going to have trouble getting a job that will allow her to support him in a relatively comfortable way.
There we were in the hallway and she told me I might lose her. I almost cried. I think my eyes watered up. That she might have to sacrifice her education because she has a child to take care of and not enough help.
I told her she could always call me, that I would help if she ever needed it. She knows she would do homeschooling or get a GED. I am so glad she has those strong opinions about getting her degree, and the drive and motivation to do it.
I would still be sad to lose Jai. I would be sad for both of us. I want her to graduate, I want her to succeed, and I want to be one of the people that helps her get there.
Fast forward to 4th period. One of my girls, Jai (Again changing names) has a three month old baby. He was sick two weeks ago and she was out almost the whole week. But she tried--she came in and picked up work one day, she grabbed everything she missed when she came back.
The first time she missed class because she couldn't get a sitter I asked her where she was, that's how I found out about her son. We talked about how she needed to keep coming to school and graduate so she can provide for herself, she said, "yes, and for him." Amazing. Thank you Jai. Thank you for caring and for valuing education.
I now give her a unit plan and make sure she knows what she'll miss if she ever needs to stay home for him.
Today I asked about him. How he was feeling because I want to build a relationship with her, and because I genuinely care. She said she was having trouble finding people to watch him. She mentioned something that was supposed to happen that wasn't and time was running out. I am not sure what it was, but she said if it didn't, she would have to quit school.
Jai and I haven't built and amazing relationship, but she's fun, she works and she asks lots of questions. She's funny about what she doesn't get, and often doesn't want to know why if she can just figure out the how, and she's not shy about telling you. She's also been helping a ton in class by tutoring some of the others that are behind, and not to mention modeling the kind of participation I would love from all of my students.
Also, I know how important and high school degree is for all my students, but for her in particular. She already has a hurdle, and a big one, having to take care of a baby. If she doesn't get this degree she is going to have trouble getting a job that will allow her to support him in a relatively comfortable way.
There we were in the hallway and she told me I might lose her. I almost cried. I think my eyes watered up. That she might have to sacrifice her education because she has a child to take care of and not enough help.
I told her she could always call me, that I would help if she ever needed it. She knows she would do homeschooling or get a GED. I am so glad she has those strong opinions about getting her degree, and the drive and motivation to do it.
I would still be sad to lose Jai. I would be sad for both of us. I want her to graduate, I want her to succeed, and I want to be one of the people that helps her get there.
Can they handle it? Can I?
After spending my weekend grading papers and trying to plan out my week (Literally, I was out of the house for about 9.5 hours, for the entire weekend), I realized that my geometry kids just weren't getting this triangle stuff. I made the executive decision to stop. To stop teaching new things and circle back. I also decided I wanted to try something new, no more worksheets and me talking at the board all day--let's do some group work and have them teach each other.
The question in my head was, can they handle it? Can they work together? Do they have the discipline to work instead of chat about their weekends? Do they know enough collectively that they can do these worksheets?
Decidedly, NOT. Well at least first period. I heard about how Brenna farts when she's nervous, the football team's loss on Friday, who went out with who, who's phone has a picture of a skeleton on it and of course that no one was going to pass this class because it was too hard and the teacher isn't helping them enough.
Amid F-bombs and N words, I would try to come over and help students with their problems (mind you, I gave them about 3 each and figured it would take 10-15 min to complete them, they took 45 and did not complete them.) When I would be there trying to help one, the other two would be talking about Brenna's farts. While I was standing a foot away from them. Seriously. At least I wasn't standing near Brenna. And then I would tell them stop talking and they would ask me why I didn't tell the other 24 people in the room talking to stop.....
So the gallery walk did not work. The groups only worked on their little piece of the puzzle and did not have a chance to learn from the others. I doubt they even learned what was on their paper. So I wasted 90 minutes of instructional time trying to remediate and failing miserably.
How do I get them under control? How do I help the understand this tough material?
Oh, did I mention their warm up today was a relatively easy Algebra 1 worksheet--a class they all should have passed to be in mine. NONE of them could do it. They all whined and complained that they did not remember how to solve equations with one variable.
50% is not proficient.
The question in my head was, can they handle it? Can they work together? Do they have the discipline to work instead of chat about their weekends? Do they know enough collectively that they can do these worksheets?
Decidedly, NOT. Well at least first period. I heard about how Brenna farts when she's nervous, the football team's loss on Friday, who went out with who, who's phone has a picture of a skeleton on it and of course that no one was going to pass this class because it was too hard and the teacher isn't helping them enough.
Amid F-bombs and N words, I would try to come over and help students with their problems (mind you, I gave them about 3 each and figured it would take 10-15 min to complete them, they took 45 and did not complete them.) When I would be there trying to help one, the other two would be talking about Brenna's farts. While I was standing a foot away from them. Seriously. At least I wasn't standing near Brenna. And then I would tell them stop talking and they would ask me why I didn't tell the other 24 people in the room talking to stop.....
So the gallery walk did not work. The groups only worked on their little piece of the puzzle and did not have a chance to learn from the others. I doubt they even learned what was on their paper. So I wasted 90 minutes of instructional time trying to remediate and failing miserably.
How do I get them under control? How do I help the understand this tough material?
Oh, did I mention their warm up today was a relatively easy Algebra 1 worksheet--a class they all should have passed to be in mine. NONE of them could do it. They all whined and complained that they did not remember how to solve equations with one variable.
50% is not proficient.
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
Drowning
Let's step back for a second. I keep talking about my kids--how tough they are to reach, the crazy things they do in class. And yes, that is tough. But let's not forget, that being a teacher, especially a first year teacher, in any school, no matter how motivated or prepared your kids are is really hard.
Think about your favorite class in high school. Maybe the one where the teacher had some cool activity planned every day, handouts to guide you through the lesson, and homework for each day figured out for you at the beginning of the unit, or even week. All of that takes organization, planning and an understanding of where the class has been, and where it is going. Not to mention knowing what you are going to tell your kids and how you are going to tell it so they get it. For every 90 minute lesson I teach, I spend about an hour making a lesson plan, a bellringer, guided notes and homework.
But teaching isn't just lesson planning. I also have to unit plan, so I know what objectives I am teaching every day. And it'd be nice if I printed out these unit plans and handed them to my kids at the beginning of every unit, but I haven't had a chance to do that, not to mention, because my kids can't seem to understand things, I get behind...
Let's add on top of all the planning, all the piles and piles of paper I collect every day. I have 65 students. If I collect just one piece of paper from each of them every day of the week, that is 325 pieces of paper that i need to have my eyes on, check and grade. Oh, and then I need to enter each thing into a grade book.
I think Jen Televik put it best. Imagine getting to work at 6:30am each day, only to be able to actually start working at 2:30 or 3 (depending on who stays for tutoring).
The sad part is doing the above is doing the bear minimum. My classroom isn't fully decorated, the kids are supposed to have jobs they don't have, I need to talk more about a big goal, I need call all 65 parents/guardians. There is also that whole thing called sleep, working out, being with other humans that are not under the age of 18....
TEACHING IS HARD WORK.
Thank a teacher next time you see one.
Think about your favorite class in high school. Maybe the one where the teacher had some cool activity planned every day, handouts to guide you through the lesson, and homework for each day figured out for you at the beginning of the unit, or even week. All of that takes organization, planning and an understanding of where the class has been, and where it is going. Not to mention knowing what you are going to tell your kids and how you are going to tell it so they get it. For every 90 minute lesson I teach, I spend about an hour making a lesson plan, a bellringer, guided notes and homework.
But teaching isn't just lesson planning. I also have to unit plan, so I know what objectives I am teaching every day. And it'd be nice if I printed out these unit plans and handed them to my kids at the beginning of every unit, but I haven't had a chance to do that, not to mention, because my kids can't seem to understand things, I get behind...
Let's add on top of all the planning, all the piles and piles of paper I collect every day. I have 65 students. If I collect just one piece of paper from each of them every day of the week, that is 325 pieces of paper that i need to have my eyes on, check and grade. Oh, and then I need to enter each thing into a grade book.
I think Jen Televik put it best. Imagine getting to work at 6:30am each day, only to be able to actually start working at 2:30 or 3 (depending on who stays for tutoring).
The sad part is doing the above is doing the bear minimum. My classroom isn't fully decorated, the kids are supposed to have jobs they don't have, I need to talk more about a big goal, I need call all 65 parents/guardians. There is also that whole thing called sleep, working out, being with other humans that are not under the age of 18....
TEACHING IS HARD WORK.
Thank a teacher next time you see one.
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