I hate that I eat when I am emotional. It might actually be better for me if I were to drink. Today after every period I needed a tootsie roll. I am diabetic. I ate everything I brought to school, and then went home and ate my whole kitchen, well aside from the counters.
Today my first period class was hell. Everyone was talking, no one was listening. I handed out white boards and they just doodled on them. I asked Quinn to clean off the doodles of her NAME on the desk to which she is assigned. She asked me how I knew she'd done it. I told her because I am a detective and it was purple pen (which you were writing with yesterday), your NAME in the seat where YOU SIT. She sort of cleaned it off, while complaining. When I returned, there was a happy face in blue ink, just like the blue pen she was writing in. Again she asked me how I knew she'd done it.
While that was going on, Tara walked over to Keola and asked for lip gloss, gum and a tissue. I told them it was work time not CVS time. They all laughed. I told them I was serious, get back to your seat please and get to work.
Not to mention I did not get through my lesson, they did not understand, and who cares anyway since even if they understand today, they won't understand tomorrow.
Then they all packed up their bags with 5 minutes until the bell rang and stood by the door. While I was helping another student and talking to them about the discipline issues I saw today, they found scotch tape on my desk (ie they rummaged through my stuff) and then used pretty much the whole role making a finish line from my door to the two desks closest to it. When I went to clean it up and yelled at them they all just laughed at me. I told them all to get back to their seats, the bell had not rung. They laughed at me, some went back. I told them that tape costs money, if I have to buy new tape because they wasted it, I can't buy candy for them to purchase with their math money. I doubt they cared. Then the bell rang mid-sentence and despite my efforts, they practically ran me over as they ran out the door.
Third period was only slightly better. But I have higher expectations for them since they are my honors kids. I sent out Troyvonne for being disrespectful--he didn't sit in his assigned seat, he didn't do his bell ringer, he flirted with Erin, I asked him to move, he didn't. When he did, instead of brushing Erin's hair and tickling her, he brushed Sarah's hair and bugged her. She did not enjoy it the way Erin does. When he stood up in my classroom for the fifth time, I gave him my best teacher glare. He rolled his eyes, or rather his whole head right back, I told him not do that, he did again. I sent him to the office.
That was third period. Fourth period if possible, got worse.
Admittedly I was very riled up. Emotional wreck and furious might be the right words for it. Great day for me to forget to make a bell ringer. So I was writing one on the board as they filtered in. Since this was not the normal procedure of getting the worksheet off the podium as they walk in, they were not entirely sure what to do. Then Brianne returned from being sick. I made sure to ask if she was feeling better. Then I reminded everyone they had a quiz, to which Brianne smartly replied that she would not be taking it. Brianne, I would like you to take it, but you will be able to take it again. "how you gonna give me a quiz on stuff you ain't taught me?"
This launched us into some berrating, telling me what a bad teacher I was, May joined in since telling me I am a bad teacher is her favorite thing to do.
Brianne got frustrated enough that she asked to leave the room. I practically held the door for her on her way out.
I tried to go back to teaching, I tried to regain control, let them see how I was going over what we'd done yesterday before moving on to today's lesson. Brittney returned. I told her I was reteaching, she should listen. More berrating how she doesn't get it because she wasn't there. I don't spell out the steps, I am not a good teacher, I give tests that are too hard, I move to fast.
Then she decided to tell me that she had to graduate and get out of here. Yes, I know Brianne. "If I don't graduate this year, someone is gonna be in trouble" I asked if she would have any fault in it if she didn't graduate--absolutely not she said"
The funny thing is, as she told me what a crappy teacher I was, she was also telling me how wonderful a teacher Ms. Krentz was. Which I agree with, except for the fact that when Brittney was in Ms. Krentz's class all she did was be a bitch and tell her she wasn't a good teacher. Hmm, can we find a common denominator here? (wow I've been a math teacher too long).
(Very) long and short, I had to leave. I thought I could let them get it out and get back to my lesson, but when Mr. Deans walked into my room (called by Brianne), and I just handed him the marker and walked away. I tried to keep it together but I knew the tears were coming, I knew it would be a flood and I would not be able to stop it while he stood there and taught my class. While he got their attention and their respect, the respect that seems so remiss when I am up there.
I left. I walked out the door and into the hall to breathe. Even that wasn't enough. I spent the majority of the period crying to the freshman counselor and Ms. Zellars our curriculum dean. Thank goodness for the support at Whites Creek. They made me realize it wasn't me, it was these tough kids. That yes, I do need to move fast, but I need to find a way to build their confidence so that moving fast won't freak them out. Give them something to do first that they get, then make it harder. Isn't that what I am doing? Didn't I feel like there were days when Brianne was getting my lesson? Why does she forget it a day later when she has a quiz? Why does she blame me? Why does she do it in front of the entire class.
Why did I move 2500 miles away from my love, my life, my friends and a job that fed me and gave me stock options to be yelled at by a 17 year old?
I think it's because I want to help students just like her. Students that know they need to graduate and who have been held to such low standards that they think they have to go slow. They think it's acceptable not to cover all the material, that 75% on a test where you are only asked the first level of Bloom's Taxonomy (define, identify) is ok. Nope, it's not. I know you can do better, and I will show you you can do better.
Hopefully I will get it together as a teacher in time to help Brianne, and the rest of my students. Hopefully my teaching and classroom management will evolve to the point where I can get through a lesson AND give them practice and confidence to be ready to move on to the next objective without a struggle.
Until then I will keep needing to eat my kitchen, but perhaps I should start working out again just to make sure I balance it out. Until then I will write long ass blog posts to pour out my heart and feelings, to remember how it felt to be a first year teacher in a title 1 school. I do need to find something that makes me happy. Maybe it's this blog. Maybe it's sleepytime tea and a book. Perhaps working out again will bring me clarity instead of stress from knowing I am taking an hour away from time I should be planning.
It will get better. Somehow, tomorrow, or next week, or next month will be better than today. Somehow I will reach at least some of these kids. And somehow, they will pass my class.
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