Phood and Fotos

I definitely thought we'd have a caterer nailed down by now, boy was that an unrealistic estimate!

We started reaching out in July, cast a wider net in August, and are just now getting back all the proposals from various vendors. It was incredibly helpful to have a list of caterers to choose from-I can't even imagine what it would have been like had we just had to do some googling to find caterers in the area. Having a vetted list is key. It's also great that they all know our venue and have worked with Brooke before, such a nice vote of confidence. It's pretty cool how you tell them what you like and what you don't like, and some of the companies can just make these menus that seem like they just read your mind! Pretty excited for tastings....

As for photographers, I honestly thought I would be super good at knowing exactly what I wanted and who I wanted, given my history and lineage ;)...It turns out there are a lot of really talented photographers out there! We've narrowed it down to a few, prices are just crazy, and while you don't want them to be the determining factor, it does make a big difference in terms of working to stay in the budget. We found one photographer whose stuff we really like, and whose prices are great. She is actually shooting a coworker's wedding this weekend so I've told him I want the full report!

Lastly, my style. I'm worried that Pinterest is a double edged sword. It's been so great to look at pictures and get ideas, but I'm scared my wedding is going to end up looking like everyone else's...who wants that? I want my wedding to be as unique as Zack and I are...We'll see, hopefully with the right mix of inspiration and our own innovation, we can come up with some pretty cool stuff. Our friends seem stoked ;)

Decisions Decisions!

Ok, I just wrote a whole bunch of fun stuff, and then my computer decided to turn itself off. Apparently the new blogger, while it looks like Google Docs, does not save quite as often as Google Docs does. Sad times mcgee.

Here's a reader's digest version of what I wrote, maybe I was too rambly anyway ;)

Decision numero uno: We picked our venue! That seems like old news at this point, but shockingly, I didn't find time to blog until now. when I needed to procrastinate.

We ended up choosing Nestldown--It's funny how negative I was in my previous post. In the end it came down to not wanting to stress over numbers. Now I am truly excited and enchanted with our decision. It's so unique and gorgeous! Los Gatos is actually pretty adorable and we get a built in wedding coordination helper in the property manager. That's awesome.

Decision dos: the dress! I can't believe it's still a bit over a year to go, but I chose one! Last month my mom was visiting so she, Sally (my mother-in-law to be) and a few friends ventured to two bridal salons in SF to try on dresses. I cast a wide-ish net, despite the fact that I had a pretty clear vision (thanks Pinterest) of what I wanted. I wanted to make sure I had no feelings of 'what if' about my dress.

The first appointment was amazing for getting a good idea of what I liked and what looked good on me. This might sound a little conceited--but I looked good in a lot of them. I mean, that's what wedding dresses are supposed to do right, make you look good? So it was gonna be a tough choice no matter what.

At Marina Morrison, our second appointment, I knew what I liked and was on a hunt. Man o man did I find it! When I put on the Liancarlo gown towards the end of the appointment we just had 'that moment' I felt great, the moms got teary. The best part, I didn't want to take it off! I just kept looking at myself (there's that vanity again). Thing is, it was my first trying on ever AND I still had 14 months to go. So I waited.

Zack and I leave for the East Coast in a few weeks and will be gone until July. I thought it would be nice to have the dress finalized before then, so that when we come back we can start planning in earnest and have that big thing ticked off the list. So yesterday I met my girlfriends for some more dress shopping! I had a great time at Glamour Closet--it's all samples you buy off the rack-you get to put little clips on whatever dress you feel like trying on and then just go for it. If you like it, you buy the thing and walk out of the store with it that day. I found a few I liked, but nothing that took my breath away the way the Liancarlo did.

Then we went to Amy Kuschel. She's a local designer and all the dresses are made upstairs from where you try them on. I love this idea. You also get all your fittings and alterations included in the price of the gown-pretty amazing. Couture feel for not couture price. I liked a few of the dresses there, the Kennedy was a gorgeous silouette and the Rita made me feel like 1940s hollywood. I got scared they might beat out my Liancarlo--but I wasn't sure.

Then we went back to Marina Morrison. I put on 3 dresses while there. The first was a new one they'd gotten in since I'd been in April--it was ok, but didn't totally do it for me. The next was the second place dress the last time, and it was pretty hot. Makes me look a little curvy while also elegant, had some bling and nice details. But I didn't feel relaxed in it. Then I put on my dress. And I knew, within 30 seconds of putting it on, without the sash, without the veil, that this was it. I came out and my friends knew too. I think it makes me glow. I can't wait to wear it for Zack.

Nope, I am not putting up pictures--what's the etiquette there anyway? I've shown it to some friends. I mostly don't want it here so that Zack doesn't see it. A little because I don't want it all over pinterest for people to 'steal'...really though-what do I care? Mostly I want him to be surprised. But I also don't know the etiquette/superstition. Are you supposed to keep your dress choice a secret from your guests until they see you? Does it really matter?

Now I have to wait 4 months to get it! And another 8 months after that to wear it!! How will I ever do that? I am also so bad at keeping secrets I don't know how to not tell Z about it--I get so excited and want to share. I told him the name of the designer, and that he is from Miami--Zack decided it must look like a quincenera dress, purple with peacock feathers and sparkles, and poofy. We'll keep it at that. Maybe it'll throw him off ;)

Round 2

As with everything in my life, I am a little inconsistent...even though I thought I would do this more often. Life kind of happened....

Anyway, a few weekends ago we headed south to look at some venues on the Peninsula. I have to say I was so enchanted with Sonoma (partly because we just had such a lovely weekend) and the places we saw there, that my views of the 3 spots we saw were a bit tainted.

However, after picking up my shiny new ring at the Jewelers' Bench--man does it sparkle! I tried to keep an open mind for round 2--so we headed towards Santa Cruz on some windy highways to our first stop, Nestldown. A private Estate 'nestled' in the Santa Cruz Mountains.

I was really hoping to just love this place and solve our numbers woes. Here are some pluses: We'd get the whole estate to ourselves for the weekend, we can have up to 250 people, and there is a BARN--maybe never was a real barn, but it is really cool on the inside, great place for dancing up a storm. There is also a lovely lawn for dinner and a nice little pond outside the barn and next to the lawn. We'd get married in a redwood grove. Which is cool. I love redwoods. But somehow it's just not as enchanting to me as having vineyards and sloping hillsides as the backdrop to our nuptials. So that brings me to downsides: 1) It's not Sonoma--so that means people are headed to Silicon Valley for a weekend. Yes, Los Gatos is a cute town, but it's just such a different feel. 2) There is no 'view'...I really wanted a vista, something that took your breath away and said, "holy cow this is an amazing place to get married, and of course she lives in California now, who wouldn't with views like this?"...yes, it's gorgeous, but it is truly nestled in the mountains so you are down low, not up high. 3) It just doesn't have the same ranch/country chic feel as the places we saw in Sonoma. It's more woodsy. 4) there is a weird 'make believe' cottage with small furniture. Not that that's bad, it's just weird.

Here are photos:



We also stopped at Fogarty Vineyards...TALK ABOUT A VIEW! You can see vineyards, hills, the Bay and on a clear day, all the way to SF. You get married on this nice little lawn and then have dinner in an overgrown, very cool gazebo. Zack wasn't a huge fan, and it has all the downsides of vineyards--no hard alcohol, only their wine. Not to mention dancing has to be inside this building that is kind of eh...

pics:

Lastly, we stopped in Woodside at Mountain Terrace. This was the first spot I found that I really liked (online)...when we got there we realized we were practically on top of the highway, a highway that is heavily traveled by bikers, and a place where they stop often since this biker restaurant called Annie's is right across the street. The property was pretty, but now that we've done so much looking, it just wasn't what we wanted. So we didn't even stay for the tour. Maybe that's bad business, but why waste someone's time, right?

So now we have to make some decisions...we tried to see if people on our list would not show up--and didn't get too far. I also feel guilty having moved some people to the B list. So now, here's the plan....we talked a planner in Sonoma who has one more spot to show us, we also realized someone (ahem, perhaps yours truly) did not get back to one place in Napa. So on March 18th, we go for round 3, If that doesn't work out, Nestldown it is. And really, I don't think it's a bad choice. I'm warming up to it. And as Zack's dad said, there is actually a ton to do south--people can go to Carmel, Big Sur, Monterey--that's pretty cool! And, Zack and I have done TONS of hikes through the redwoods, why not get married under them?

And so it begins...

From Healdsburg Country Gardens

I love long weekends! For President's weekend we headed up to Sonoma County to begin our search for the perfect place for our wedding (read: PARTY, and special beautiful setting, preferably with a barn).

A few things we realized:

1) Wine country weddings are pricey (duh, this is nothing new, but it became very real in person)

2) I like barns and feel it means myself and my bridesmaids have full rights to wear cowboy boots

3) Our list of invitees needs trimming :(....this is sad. We have 220 people on our list right now, almost all of them are very close friends or family no further than 1st cousins. How does one wrack up that many close humans in 30 years?

To the last point--It seems that most places in Sonoma have funny restrictions, probably due to age old permits that have a cap at 150. The places that have more space are vineyards that make you drink their wine or that feel so ostentatious you could be at Disney....(Ledson). Some are very beautiful (Chateau St. Jean) but just not our style. But this size thing is just such a bummer. Do we really have to sacrifice inviting people that are close to us for the 'perfect' wedding venue? We both went into the weekend feeling like we would not want to do that, but left feeling like we might have to. And then there's that whole attrition question--how many of those 220 people will make the trip to Cali? Will a lot come because it's a great excuse for a vacation, or will many have to say no because it's close to the 4th of July holiday or they just don't have the funds...or, they have some other wedding to go to. We are that age after all.

So here are the pictures. Different albums for the different venues.

Healdsburg Country Gardens is our very favorite, but has a max of 150 (160 if we pay extra).

We thought we could fit 175 at Beltane, but it seems that is not the case.

Kenwood Ranch seemed nice when we first arrived, but we were a bit put off by it's proximity to the highway and the guy trying to sell us stuff.

Annadel was gorgeous and I think it would feel like we were in some kind of mix between Downton Abbey and Down on the Ranch...The problem here: the price tag. To stay within budget, we'd need to be our own florist and hang the lights ourselves....

Stryker was way up in Geyersville--gorgeous, amazing tasting room with a kick ass view and the ability to have dancing in the barrel room. Just not the style we are going for...

Dawn Ranch Lodge--Could I please get married at camp?!?! The property was GORGEOUS, we'd have our choice of where to have our ceremony and reception, we'd have the property all weekend so rehearsal dinner would be a bbq with everyone that's around. There is a private 'beach' right on Russian River. The downside? the cabins are like pool houses and we are not sure it's fair to ask our guests to stay in them for the minimum 2 nights.

So that was our first endeavor....Next weekend we head to the South Bay and Peninsula to see Nestledown, Fogarty Winery and the Mountain Terrace....(oh, and I get my ring back! I can't wait)

Ms. Sudow's Getting MARRIED!

Yup, it's true. On December 11, 2011 Zack proposed as we walked across the Golden Gate Bridge. It was awesome. Here's the story...somewhat compressed: He went to DC in early November, under the auspices of visiting our friend Tim, asked Dad at dinner. Dad was of course thrilled not only because Zack few across the country to ask him (in person) but also because he really likes Zack, like, a lot. Then a few weeks later when we were home for Turkey Day, we went out to dinner with Mom. She (inappropriately) wore her mom's engagement ring to dinner and flashed it in our faces....awesome Mom, thanks for bringing up a subject we don't already talk enough about. Insuing argument ends in the idea to try on emerald cut rings to see what we think. And prompts Zack to secretly ask Mom to send the ring across the country...She does, UN-INSURED! yipes.

A few weeks later our friends Zack and Jon ask us if we want to do brunch and hiking in the Presidio, this is totally normal weekend fare for us, so of course, I oblige, only make a lot of excuses about having a ton of work to do and going to Oakland to meet Whitney...strangely that morning Whit cancels on me (something about watching students in a play) and Zack and Jon cancel on us (something about buying a house and Jon frantically printing tax documents). So we venture out on our own, brunch at Liverpool lils complete with bloodies and mimosas, and a stroll in the Presidio. Zack refuses to touch me as we're walking--joking around I assume. But then as soon as we get on the bridge he offers to hold my hand. Something he would NOT do 4 years earlier when we made the same walk before we were dating.

At the first pylon we stop, look at the view, act all lovey dovey. I tell him I love him. He tells me he loves me too, and that's why he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. He gets down on one knee.....I hear nothing else. Commence tears, see the ring, freak out it might fall into the Bay, get confused as to how he has DD's ring in the first place. He asks if I say yes, OF COURSE I DO!

(I would have a nasty cut on my knuckle the day I get engaged...)

Amazing. So here we are, embarking on an adventure to plan a wedding in the Bay Area that will live up to our friends' expectation of what a wedding hosted by Aly and Zack could and should be.

.....so now, fundraising blog turned travel blog turned rant of a new teacher, is turning into those wedding blogs people talk about--let's see how it goes.

Year 3, PHEW

Thanks to Mere for inspiring me to start writing again. I've been thinking about it, but clearly since my last post was almost a year ago, I haven't exactly taken the time to do it.

I started this blog to talk about raising money for CF. Then I talked about my crazy travels in India, and THEN it turned into Ms. Sudow's rant because she is a crappy teacher and needs an outlet to deal with the crazy kids (not to mention wanted to maybe someday write a book about all of this). In short, this blog has a bit of ADHD. But that's ok. Year 3 in the teaching adventure and things are starting to look up. So here I go, writing about (hopefully) good things.

I have been trying to describe the difference between this year an the two years that came before. I still have a lot going on, I am still working long hours, but I am not longer totally freaking out about it. Planning takes less time, my lessons make a little more sense, and I can grade 90 quizzes in just under and hour. PHEW.

Funny things happen in my classroom. It's been pretty hot in Hayward. I have AC, but I try to use it sparingly since our school doesn't have a ton of money and I hate being cold. So do the girls in their little tank tops and short shorts. I turned it off one day and 20 minutes later I was warm. "See, now I'm hot" I say....queue the funny chubby kid with diamond studs in his ears "Ms. Sudow, it's hot because I'm in here." delivered with the perfect comedic timing. The entire class cracked up. Amazing.

I will think of more later. But for now, I am going to try to be back to this blogging thing.

Princess La La or some other nonesense

Freshman are squirmy balls of insecure goo, pushing limits and getting really sad/offended when they are called out on it. And maybe, just maybe, I enjoy calling them out on it. Maybe that's what makes a freshman teacher a freshman teacher.

I had 1 student who, when she joined my class, told me that while on my roster her name was Raven Smith (name changed of course), she preferred I call her Princess Nhai Nhai.

I'm sorry what?

Now, it's not 1, but 3, yes 3 girls in that class who feel they are royalty. There is Princess Ro Ro and to top them all off, Queen Shante. The only way to make them stop this nonsense is a) to make them embarrassed that they think people should call them royalty and b) to not grade papers that come in with their names or c) all of the above. Nope, I do not know a Princess RoRo, that paper gets a 0, since I wouldn't know where to put the scores in the gradebook anyway. I only grade papers with real names on them.

I do realize that this royalty complex probably stems from some major insecurity, and perhaps I should not be quite so harsh. But for now it just really pisses me off and I am going to continue calling it silly and refusing to acknowledge said "names." Not even La-A was a Princess La La.

Complete 180 degree turn

Four months later and my life, both personal and professional is so very, very different. For one I finally am on the west coast, for another, things that make me cry at school make me cry with hope, with happiness and with the expectation and fear that I can serve my kids the way I wanted to when I became a teacher.

Today I sat in an IEP meeting of one my students. He happens also to be my advisor. I had already been discussing his case with his case manager and working on some things with him. In the meeting his sisters advocated so deeply for him. They cared so much about what happens to him and his education, they felt let down by the public school system and that Mitchell hadn't really learned much since elementary school because his teachers didn't give him the extra help he needed.

Then came Rosie, our Learning Specialist. Caring, understanding and with so many good ideas to help. Then came the Impact model, that we help any students no matter what they are up against, and we mean it. We have supports in place to differentiate and help give structures. We also hold students to high standards and keep them accountable--Mitchell was the timekeeper at the meeting and had to tell us what he felt he was good at, what he felt he needed to work on.

It's is this caring, this high expectation and accountability that makes Impact so very different from Whites Creek. Not just in how we handle kids with IEPs, but how we approach learning, how we hold kids accountable on so many levels. Kids can fail, but they are given chances not to. Students are urged to think, and to think about thinking. They are urged to create and apply.

Thank you Impact for letting me teach. I hope it keeps going as well as it has for the first 4 weeks!

Pressure to Pass

I left school in tears on Friday. First I was upset, then I was angry, then I was both. I had just finished entering senior grades for the semester.

Seniors take their exams a week early in MNPS. First, to make sure they are passing, and second, to get them out of the building so there can be some semblance of order in our last week. I had mixed classes, out of my 88 students I had about 30 seniors. They were, on average, the worst behaved, lowest performing of all my students. They lacked motivation, were rude to me on a daily basis, and pretty much got away with whatever they wanted.

And they all passed.

They did not feel the pressure to pass. They put the pressure on me to pass them. So did the administration. No matter how low their math skills, no matter how often they came (or did not come) to class, and no matter how many assignments they did not bother turning in, they would pass.

That is terrible. It's a flaw in the system. They knew this day would come since they walked into my classroom in January and took full advantage of it. They knew counselors and principals would be knocking on my door telling me the students needed to pass. What can YOU do for them, Ms. Sudow. What extra time can you put in to make sure these students get a diploma.

Our principal called the teacher next door when he saw he had a few failing seniors and said, "I don't care if he has to stay here with you until 10:30 in the evening doing work, he needs to pass"...well doesn't that mean Mr. M is here until 10:30 in the evening as well? Didn't Mr. McFarland show up and teach every day? Why couldn't the seniors learn then?

When I changed grades and forgave missing assignments, when I saw just how low the math skills of the students I was passing actually were, I felt dirty. Dirtier on the inside than after a weekend in New Orleans (that's dirty). Didn't I become a teacher to stop that? Didn't I tell the students all along that they wouldn't just pass my class? That they had to work hard? That they had to understand the material? Why did I let this happen? How could I have done it better? Could I have just failed them and told the administration I wasn't willing to budge? I am not sure.

Maybe I wasn't a good enough teacher to them. Maybe I didn't do well enough bringing them up all along. Maybe, just maybe, there was nothing I could have done anyway. Our school counselor put it to me this way: Either you pass them and they have a degree that might not mean quite as much as you think it does, or you fail them, they are a credit short of graduating, probably don't come back to finish that credit and then are floating out in the world without any diploma...Which is worse?

Will my kids get to college or the work force and have someone think, who was the idiot that passed you in Math? How could you possibly have earned a diploma?

I made up for my failings as a teacher by not failing my kids. I hope that in the future I won't feel so unsure of my methods, that in the future I won't have to 'just pass' kids that turn in one or two extra worksheets in the 11th hour. That instead I drive them to work hard all along. I give them 'I can, I want, I will' attitude that is so necessary for success.

Also, I must say, this was not all my seniors. Some of my seniors worked so hard. They stayed in my classroom for tutoring during lunch, they texted or called me with questions, they begged me to keep teaching when the others were working on disrupting.

I will stand at graduation tomorrow and I will watch with a smile on my face. I will be angry and frustrated when certain seniors walk across the stage, but mostly I will have goosebumps and pride for what I might have helped start: a life with just a few more possibilities than if these students had not occupied a seat in room 233.

Full Moon

I give all my classes the same material. I have been collecting more to keep them accountable, as they walk out the door they put the filled out worksheets in shelves with their block number on them.

Today I had a typo in one of my problems and had everyone in block 1 change a +18 in an equation to a -9....During 3rd block, after it took a half hour, screaming "SHUT UP" 3-5 times, giving the class the silent treatment AND telling them to teach themselves out of the book, we were finally, mostly, back on track. I was walking around to check problems 3-6 (the mess up was #10)...I wanted to help Brendan, who always has a lot of difficulty with my class (and a lot of attitude), I said, great job Brendan, how did you get all those? Walk me through what you did...Then I asked, wait, how come you crossed out that 18 and changed it to -9? He had no answer. Then he told me he'd gotten it from the group across the room....the group I had just told 30 seconds before coming to him, the group he was not sitting with since before lunch. Hmm, interesting, Are you sure Brendan? Then he went off and told me to shut the fuck up out of his face, how dare I accuse him of cheating.

Fast forward to 4th block. Same scenario. Students who never get it work ahead, I go check their work. They don't cross out the 18, but just add a 9 to solve the equation--puzzling? I ask where they get the 9, they have NO good answer. Are you sure? Where is that 9 from. Oh Ms. Sudow, you are right, let me erase it. I push a bit further, the same fight insues. I get yelled at, told I am accusing them of cheating, told I think they are stupid, and told I am the reason they are failing. Well Daniella, I'd rather you didn't cheat, especially on a worksheet, since it's really no skin off my back, but if you are copying people's work now it means you are not getting it and therefore won't be able to pass my class.

When Daniella's phone is out for the 5th time and I am asking the entire class to make sure they put away their phones, she says to me, how do you know it's a phone Ms. Sudow. Well Daniella, I know what an Android phone is since I GOT ONE FOR FREE WHEN I WORKED AT GOOGLE. That almost shut her up until she told me I should never have left. Well Daniella, sometimes I definitely think that too.

Lesson of the day: Full Moons make Whites Creek kids crazy. Lesson 2: Pick your battles. Maybe accusing them of cheating is not the right thing for me to do. Instead I should have just had them walk me through their steps, make sure they get it, that's all I care about anyway right? I need to be calm, cool and collected, and the bigger person--no more petty.

Better late than never

Finally getting around to reading some of the surveys I handed out at the end of first semester. Some of them are sweet, so I'm gonna toot my own horn because maybe it's needed every once in a while:

"Ms. Sudow, you were an awesome teacher. I know at times my friends and I were very disrespectful. Ya know 4 talking and cutting up while you were teaching. But hey we're kids so...like I said before that was very disrespectful and I hope you forgive us. One thing I can say is that I learned a lot from you. But, just a little piece of advice, 'get more organized.' Stay awesome and don't let someones helpless heart leave/make you bitter. I hope you know that you and Mrs. Bright will be the teachers I'll always love and never forget. Just for the fact that you guyz cared."

Wow...so I am doing something good? And yes, point taken about organization! MUCH NEEDED.

Pretty much every single one says I need to work on getting the class under control and write more referrals. Again, point taken. Let's see if I can keep working on that this semester.

Writing Assessments

In 11th grade TN students must take a TCAP writing assessment. A score of 4, or proficient on this test is required for graduation. Our school has done a practice assessment once a month since November. See below for a sample.

Granted, most of my advisees know these will have no bearing on their grades and could care less...but here goes nothing: (word for word, punctuation-or lack thereof-intact)

Students were asked if they agree or disagree that Celebrities make more money than they deserve.

I disagree because these celebrities work hard for they money and can't anybody say they make more than they deserve maybe teacher don't deserve any money you can't tell somebody who to make they money or what ever the do with they money because its not them and however they make or do with they money its they chose all celebrities deserve every amount of money they make because they work for it like athletes they really deserve every amount of money they make and play hard and if some one say the make to much and want to try to do they job i bet you would be mad if somebody said you make to much money you know you work all day and all night and hard to not make the money you make because I know I would be. Just think about actors. If they act good they deserve they money as well musicians, models deserve they money to all the famous people deserve they money cause the work hard the put effeft in what they do I respect what all the famous people do I respect the money the make I don't think the make to much because they work for there's like teachers work for there's and we not saying teachers make to much just because someone famous people think they make to much well that's not true or right that's why I Disagree!!!

Dear Student,

I am sorry that your school system has failed you. You seem to have good ideas but cannot get them out in a coherent, well-written way. We owe it to you to make it better. I hope it's not too late.

PS-Ask your math teacher the difference between a teacher's salary and an actor, model or athlete's salary. You might be surprised.

-Ms. Sudow

the SQUARE ROOT of -1

If I see one more time that the square root of -100 is -10 I might have a heart attack, or pull out my hair or something.

What do these children do while I am teaching? I am not really sure how many times I've told them that if there is a negative under the square root sign there will be an i...I can't tell you how many problems we've simplified to make i's. Still, on the test, they said the square root of -100 was -10, some said that it was -50, do add even more insult to injury.

The giver-upper in me asks, why do I bother. Why do I stress out every day trying to cram information in their brains. Why do I stay up making lesson plans and worksheets. Maybe I should just stop trying so hard.

The not giver-upper says, this is precisely why. The fact that they don't even read my test but give up before even opening it and decide to leave it blank instead of looking for the things they can do, or just rely on the math skills they had before even entering my class to at least do some addition and subtraction. Nope. They combine variables with real numbers, they multiply when there is a plus sign and add when there is multiplication. They break the rules of math because they don't know they exist.

I think the only answer is to keep trying. But with classes of 30, rowdy kids, how do I give them the personalized attention they each need? How do I teach instead of spending time telling them to be quiet and take their headphones out. How do I get them engaged and give them their confidence back? Because right now I think their fear and lack of self-confidence is keeping them from trying. It's a problem. I wish I'd started slower, but now I'm not sure how to slow down or go back. Slowing down is hopefully going to work, continuing to show the stuff I've been teaching, and giving them confidence, somehow.

I'll get there. I won't give up, hopefully. I have to remember my A2 kids were here this time last semester, then they did just fine (for the most part) by December. Keep chugging.

Snow Dayz

So this is what it's like to be rested and enjoy your life a little? Wow! Nashville had a big snow storm. And by big I mean three inches (maybe) and some ice. It basically shut the city down. Which let's be honest is pretty ridiculous. But what is even more ridiculous, is not that we had a snow day on Friday (school was called once again at about 6:00 pm Thursday evening before any snow had fallen). I get Friday, mostly, although the roads didn't get terrible till the afternoon, but you just never know with those buses. It was nice, I went into school, got some work done, got ready for my sub on Monday since I would be out for professional development and cleaned up my classroom a bit. Nice. A little gym, a little out, nice to have an extra day. Weekend seemed less stressful, and I was ready, for the most part, to go back on Monday.

What I didn't get, was that on Sunday, while at the grocery doing my weekly shopping, I hear that school would be out AGAIN on Monday. You know Nashville, if you actually plow away the snow it doesn't freeze over at night time. Apparently they don't have the equipment. Not only did we have Monday off (even though it was 47 degrees and sunny)...we had TUESDAY off as well! Thank you Nashville and TDOT for my 6 day vacation.

I then took my professional development day and have to only be at school 2 days this week.

It'd be great if I didn't feel like we were finally on a roll and getting into a groove, and now the kids seem to have forgotten all their algebra. Tomorrow's test will tell....

Banana Bread for the Teacher's Soul

So I have had 4 brown shriveled up bananas in my freezer for a few months now. I saw them every time I opened the door and thought, I should make banana bread, and frankly got a little annoyed they were still sitting there. But I never took the time (or umm, had the time) to do it. Finally this weekend, after staying at school till 5 on Friday and working all afternoon/early evening Saturday, I had the time on Sunday.

Baking to me is like therapy. I started baking when I lived in New York and got a Kitchenaid mixer for Christma--I mean Hannukka. I don't do it enough now. Mostly because I don't have roommates to pawn the stuff off on and then I'd just get fat. When I can make enough for my classes I'll do it, but that is more of a chore than therapy!

This was great, I got rid of the bananas, made something delicious, and my whole apt smelled nice. And I got to bring in treats today for a few lucky individuals.

Ms. Bright works across the hall from me. She has been there for advice daily, she's seen my cry, vent and scream, she's taken kids that were driving me crazy, had a 'come to jesus' meeting with them and then just made them work quietly in her room when that didn't work. She's even come and spoken to my class to tell them to wise up. Basically, my life at Whites Creek is better because of her. I was so happy to bring her something I'd made with love to let her know how much I appreciated her help.

She made me feel better too--we talked about my sappy card and she said, "you know, I really appreciate your drive, that you haven't given up yet despite how tough it is." I think there were bets in this school about how long I'd last, not a single one had me coming back after the Holidays, but I am still here. Still plugging away.

I think when I have smushy brown bananas in my freezer, and I know what I need to do with them--I need to just do it. I need to stop being annoyed at them and use them instead for something good. This might be a crappy metaphor, but I'm not an English teacher, so forgive me. The point is, I am going to stop dwelling on what's going wrong, I am going to realize that I am a fighter (just like I wrote in all those b-school/TFA applications) and keep fighting. Keep doing good stuff with what I have, even if it just looks like a mushy old frozen banana. (Now you totally want to try the stuff right? It got rave reviews you know....)

Being Positive?

So my mom mentioned that maybe I shouldn't complain so much on this blog. Is that what it sounds like? Am I too negative all the time? umm, probably.

Let's try saying some good stuff.

They were right about it getting better. Sort of. I mean, I know my material better. Much better--I can teach the concepts with an eye towards where we are going, I know the ways in which to explain the concepts that these kids get, and I am a little more organized, because I know how helpful that is.

It's also just nice to see friendly faces in the hallway. My kids from last semester, even when they groaned and growled at homework, classwork, pretty much any work, give me hugs in the hallway and tell me they miss me. They even ask knowingly if I miss them. One of the girls that gave me the most hell 1st period last semester said, "how are your classes this semester Ms. Sudow? Are they as bad as we were?" At least she understands what she put me through. She is the same one that said she probably could have got it if she'd been paying attention all along. I asked her if she remembered that in her classes now, if she was, in fact, paying attention and doing her work from the start, she said she was. Let's hope that's the case.

I realized, well have known it all along, but it's become clearer to me, that I did not become a teacher to teach Algebra 2. Yes the math skills in my class are important, but I want to teach more than that. I want to teach responsibility, work ethic, love of learning--all that good stuff. All the things that somehow were just in me, maybe it was Potomac, maybe it was my parents. These kids don't have that, for so many reasons they don't have that. One is that they have no idea what the 'real world' looks like. They don't really have anything concrete to reach for because they don't seem to know what success really looks like. I want to show them that somehow. I want them to see the other side so they know how to act. I want them to be invested. That is probably the toughest part of my job. To see so much potential in these kids, but they've gotten away for so long with mediocrity, with pushing people away and getting kicked out class, that there really isn't much reason for them to try anymore.

I am going to keep working at it. I am going to keep getting on my soap box every once in a while to help them understand, or see what's out there. Hopefully they'll actually listen and not just think I am some rich girl who doesn't have a clue.

Initiation

Fights are not new to Whites Creek. But they are new to the Business and Economics hallway, we usually hold it down.

I felt it coming. Just after the bell, Sleepy, one of my geometry students from last semester, was standing in the hall with four or five other boys, those 4 walked away all singing some song, in unison. That was the moment. I knew something was up. I looked to sleepy, who put one hand up in the air, waving it at them, using expletives and talking about gangs.

Crap.

The boys rushed at Sleepy as I yelled for them to cool it. White girl in her Jcrew sweater telling boys with gold grillz not to rush at each other for who knows what anger they've got. Not so effective.

I didn't want to insert myself, but somehow 5 boys turned to 15, and the mob moved towards me, all of the sudden, there I was right in the middle of it--not a good place when fists are flailing and blindly punching whatever is in front of them.

So then, like any smart not very large human who does not want a black eye, and who sees her favorite savior teacher running across the hallway, I ran. We called for help, I talked to one of my students who also accidentally got mixed up in it to make sure she was ok, and then savior teacher number 2 came down the hall. This woman does not play. She broke up what was left right away and worked to comfort whoever got hurt.

Yes, this is more interesting than my usual posts, and yes, teachers and students spent much of the rest of the day reliving what happened and, well, gossiping. I did it too, despite my better judgement.

What's sad here is that Sleepy will probably be kicked out of Whites Creek. Sleepy who told me he was 'The truth' in my class, who took his grillz out when he'd come to tutoring so he could be serious, and who passed my class because he studied and tried the best he could to get his grade up.

What happens to him now? He goes to an alternative school where he can hope to get some kind of degree, maybe. Is a degree from an alternative school as good as a degree from a normal one? Is the fact that he got in a fight at his normal high school forever on his record? I'm not really sure. But I have a feeling the fighting that started at 7:06 this morning didn't end at 7:10. I have a feeling it's going on right now, that his gang is retaliating, that they are rallying and that something will probably go on at school tomorrow. I have a feeling this won't be the last time Sleepy gets in a fight.

Often it's the good ones that end up getting kicked out for these fights. Often the ones that drive you crazy in class just keep driving you crazy.

This is the part of teaching that is heart-wrenching. This is one of those teachable moments they tell you about--I tried to talk to my advisees today about not fighting (because all they could do was talk about it). About being the bigger person and not stooping to the other person's level. About keeping your head down, doing well in school and rising above the fight. The message was lost on the students who needed to hear it most.

For my part, I feel a little tougher, initiated into what it's like to break up a fight (or umm, call someone else to do it), and energized to keep trying to teach them to be humans, not just mathematicians.

Falling into the trap

I am exceptionally behind and have a ton of things I was thinking about writing about...but let's be honest, first I was busy grading papers and getting out of town, then I was busy relaxing, enjoying my family, Zack's family and all the lovely food they stuffed in our faces.

So now, with a bit of time as I take care of myself (on my vest--good girl) and let my brain digest all the reading I just did to pass my Praxis certification test let me talk about what I noticed about myself in the final weeks of school.

I was so frustrated at the beginning of the year when I noticed that many of my students lacked the prerequisite skills needed for my course. How could they have gotten this far with such a poor understanding of numbers and manipulating equations. I was even more frustrated/vindicated because I realized it wasn't just my lousy teaching that made them fail my tests, when I saw just how many of my students had not passed the Algebra 1 Gateway test. This test is required for graduation in Tennessee. It's changing a bit with the new standards, but my students all still need to 'pass' the gateway. 'Passing' or being deemed proficient on this test is scoring a 55%. You might ask if the test is particularly hard. The answer to that is, no, not really. Then why oh why did approximately 12 of my 65 students in Geometry and Algebra 2 need to re-take it as sophomores, juniors, and even three seniors? Why were students who failed this test in my class in the first place? Shouldn't that mean they failed Algebra 1? It's awfully confusing, until you start having to give out grades yourself.....

In our final week before the holidays and the end of the semester, our principal reminded us that our students should not be punished because we were not or are not good teachers. We are, after all, new. I get it, I'm not the best teacher--but if a kid isn't getting anything, they aren't getting anything and shouldn't pass--right? HA. In that meeting I felt belittled. Haven't I done everything I possibly can? Sure there is a learning curve to teaching, and sure a lot of it is my responsibility, but doesn't some of it rest with the learner? Doesn't some of understanding come from who is trying (or, in many cases, NOT trying) to digest the material?

Given this, and given the fact that I noticed that pretty much no one with the exception of a handful of students in my geometry classes were 'getting it' I reviewed for the last 3 weeks of class. I showed them problems and diagrams just like those on the test, day after day. We worked through the problems together, sometimes I tried to have them work through them on their own and then I walked around and corrected them. I gave them a test the week before the exam that was an exact copy of the exam only with different numbers. Even the diagrams were the same. The Monday before the exam, we went over that test and made corrections. Yes, there was improvement, but if I hadn't curved my tests, the majority of my students would have failed.

I also allowed students to do makeup work. I didn't give them time in class, but I reminded them daily and had a big note on my whiteboard that they stared at every day. Again, only a handful turned things in. Some had so much missing that I told them I would forgive it if they passed their final. Is this good teaching or is it re-inforcing bad habits?

Let's take for example one of my students, we'll call her Charlotte. Charlotte did not pass her Algebra 1 Gateway, was tardy to my class at least 2 if not 3 times a week, and when she was there it was always the 'Charlotte show.' If she wasn't talking to her friends she was talking to the whole class, asking for pencils, combing her hair, passing out skittles etc etc. When she tried to pay attention she'd dominate my focus with questions so elementary I'd lose the rest of the class. She was the student who, when I used the TFA line "this is not a discussion" said back to me, ok fine, if it's not a discussion than why are you still talking to me about it?" She rarely turned in assignments (even ones that should have been done in class) and had a very low understanding of anything Geometry. Towards the end of the course she came to me on two successive lunch breaks (she always said she'd stay after school for tutoring but always failed to). Basically, in looking at her progress report, and looking at what was on the exam, I realized that if she spent time doing the work she'd missed, while she would gain a more solid understanding of geometry (maybe, or she'd just copy answers out of the back of the book), she wouldn't spend enough time covering specifically what was on the test, and therefore might not pass. I told her, pass the last test and pass the final, you can probably pass my class.

What followed was her trying to study for the most part, actually putting in effort and taking good notes in the end, despite the fact that she continued to disrupt my review sessions. She passed the last test, and she passed the final. And so, when computing her grade, I played god, just a bit. I took out some missings which get calculated as zeros and changed them to incompletes which don't get calculated. This brought her grade up just high enough to get a 70 for the year, the lowest passing grade you can get.

This was a moral dilemma for me. I had to go in and talk to Ms. Bright across the hall about it because it just didn't sit right. But, here was my reasoning:

1. Charlotte actually did show improvement, and what Tennessee calls proficiency on my last two tests
2. That D on her report card isn't going to look good to anyone, they'll still know she has low math skills
3. If I didn't pass her, she'd most likely go to credit recovery where she'd get the course on a computer and be able to cheat her way through.
4. Charlotte is a 9th grade repeater. If she doesn't pass her classes this semester, there is a very very high chance statistically that she'll drop out of high school all together.

With all these reasons in mind, I gave Charlotte a 70. I'm not proud of it, and I feel bad for whoever has her in Algebra 2...CRAP-it might be me next year, awesome. But to some extent, it's almost too late.

Am I giving up? Did I let the administration and the current state of our education system win? Kind of. And it kills me. But what can you do? Well, you have to be a better teacher I guess. Somehow I have to teach well enough that I am not faced with decisions on whether or not to pass on kids that shouldn't pass. Somehow I not only need to be their Algebra 2 and Geometry teacher, I also need to be their Algebra 1 and Pre-Algebra teacher.

I also worry I am reinforcing bad habits. Mess around in the beginning of the semester all you want, as long as you come crying to me and pass your last tests, you'll be fine. I do not like that mentality. I don't support it. But should students be penalized for not quite having their act together from the start? What if they truly make a turnaround and improve?

Hopefully this next semester will go better. We'll get a better start and I'll be a better teacher.

For now I'm just re-prioritizing and reflecting. We'll see where that gets me...

Whites Creek High School:the documentary

On Monday, two weeks before the fin du cycle, the teachers in the Enterprise and Development school received an email, in all caps, with no distinct paragraphs asking us to put together a sub folder in case we are out. It needed to have lesson plans, student rosters, reliable students etc.

Thank you. I get this is important. But maybe it was more important back in SEPTEMBER? Since after all, I am not going to have the same reliable students in just a few weeks, and the kids I have in January will not know (or at least will not be expected to know) half of what is in that folder. Why now?

............

Today in my third block class the door was mysteriously opened by a runaway stranger 3 times, pulling attention away from the whole class. Then said stranger (or maybe another one) decided to put shaving cream or hair goup or SOMETHIng on the window of my door. Once again, disturbing the class and drawing what little attention I had away to the spectacle. "I really need to remember to lock my doors and get something to cover up the window" I thought to myself...

Later, in our faculty meeting, we were asked to make sure we did NOT lock or doors or cover up the windows. Something about creating an open environment at Whites Creek. Something about changing a culture. Something about parents needing to peak in the door. Really? Really? Parents don't peak in the door, and excuse me for being negative--but how many times must my class be disturbed in a day by random hallway walkers/class skippers? I purposely changed the arrangement of my room so that the students were less distracted by the window in the door. Now it's just more obvious when they are looking out it and not the window.

Perhaps the culture will actually change and the gawkers will turn to students and not disrupt my class. Or maybe my class will learn to not be distracted by such silliness. I doubt it.

Sine curves, like and EKG....

Reading my last post made me laugh. Of course I didn't get hearburn, I was on my way out the door to five days of no teaching bliss! Five days of which I only worked ONE. That's amazing. (Did I mention I was with Zack and my whole family?)

And that learning thing? Well they forgot it all when they went home and ate turkey, stuffing and chitlins (which apparently they want me to try).

I mention sine curves because we are working on them in Algebra 2. Or rather, I am showing them how to plug values into the calculator. They have NO clue what it means, what it's for or how they would do this without a calculator, but when I tell them it's like an EKG, their ears perk up a bit. (let's be honest, I don't remember the how, why etc--it would take a lot of time for me to re-learn that-I am following the method of just showing them the process/shortcut so they can pass their test)

What I really mean though, is that teaching has its own sine wave. I was somewhat up that last week. Somehow they felt like learning (not that they showed it on their tests). This week, they do not. This week most of my students are as unhappy to be back as I am. This week many of them have conveniently forgotten how close we are to exams (even though I tell them there are only 9 teaching days left), and they certainly do not see the correlation between how they act in class and how they perform on an exam.

I talked to Litsy who has been doing this for a while. I needed to curb the disillusionment (yup, it's now December and I am still in that terrible trough). She said look, you are a bad teacher, it's ok, you are new. You need to find a way to get your kids to care, you need to invest them or they will not work for you. Right now you are probably up there miserable, and it shows. Duh. How can they learn from someone who just wants to get on the next plane to SF? How can they learn from someone who doesn't help them see the value in what they are learning?

Then there was the wack-a-mole analogy. Another duh....No matter how much you wack the mole to get it back in the hole, it's going to keep popping up. It likes the attention of the mallot. Instead, you need to say, "mole, thank you so much for staying in your hole, you are doing a great job'...ie, when a student is doing well, praise them publicly. This will hopefully prevent the whole "be quiet!" "Put away the cell phone!" "Pay attention!" "You have nine days till exams but you are not acting like it" "How does no one get this?" (yes I've actually said that).

Today I tried to say 3 positive things for every negative one. That lasted 10 minutes. And then I got pissed. I will try again tomorrow.