Falling into the trap

I am exceptionally behind and have a ton of things I was thinking about writing about...but let's be honest, first I was busy grading papers and getting out of town, then I was busy relaxing, enjoying my family, Zack's family and all the lovely food they stuffed in our faces.

So now, with a bit of time as I take care of myself (on my vest--good girl) and let my brain digest all the reading I just did to pass my Praxis certification test let me talk about what I noticed about myself in the final weeks of school.

I was so frustrated at the beginning of the year when I noticed that many of my students lacked the prerequisite skills needed for my course. How could they have gotten this far with such a poor understanding of numbers and manipulating equations. I was even more frustrated/vindicated because I realized it wasn't just my lousy teaching that made them fail my tests, when I saw just how many of my students had not passed the Algebra 1 Gateway test. This test is required for graduation in Tennessee. It's changing a bit with the new standards, but my students all still need to 'pass' the gateway. 'Passing' or being deemed proficient on this test is scoring a 55%. You might ask if the test is particularly hard. The answer to that is, no, not really. Then why oh why did approximately 12 of my 65 students in Geometry and Algebra 2 need to re-take it as sophomores, juniors, and even three seniors? Why were students who failed this test in my class in the first place? Shouldn't that mean they failed Algebra 1? It's awfully confusing, until you start having to give out grades yourself.....

In our final week before the holidays and the end of the semester, our principal reminded us that our students should not be punished because we were not or are not good teachers. We are, after all, new. I get it, I'm not the best teacher--but if a kid isn't getting anything, they aren't getting anything and shouldn't pass--right? HA. In that meeting I felt belittled. Haven't I done everything I possibly can? Sure there is a learning curve to teaching, and sure a lot of it is my responsibility, but doesn't some of it rest with the learner? Doesn't some of understanding come from who is trying (or, in many cases, NOT trying) to digest the material?

Given this, and given the fact that I noticed that pretty much no one with the exception of a handful of students in my geometry classes were 'getting it' I reviewed for the last 3 weeks of class. I showed them problems and diagrams just like those on the test, day after day. We worked through the problems together, sometimes I tried to have them work through them on their own and then I walked around and corrected them. I gave them a test the week before the exam that was an exact copy of the exam only with different numbers. Even the diagrams were the same. The Monday before the exam, we went over that test and made corrections. Yes, there was improvement, but if I hadn't curved my tests, the majority of my students would have failed.

I also allowed students to do makeup work. I didn't give them time in class, but I reminded them daily and had a big note on my whiteboard that they stared at every day. Again, only a handful turned things in. Some had so much missing that I told them I would forgive it if they passed their final. Is this good teaching or is it re-inforcing bad habits?

Let's take for example one of my students, we'll call her Charlotte. Charlotte did not pass her Algebra 1 Gateway, was tardy to my class at least 2 if not 3 times a week, and when she was there it was always the 'Charlotte show.' If she wasn't talking to her friends she was talking to the whole class, asking for pencils, combing her hair, passing out skittles etc etc. When she tried to pay attention she'd dominate my focus with questions so elementary I'd lose the rest of the class. She was the student who, when I used the TFA line "this is not a discussion" said back to me, ok fine, if it's not a discussion than why are you still talking to me about it?" She rarely turned in assignments (even ones that should have been done in class) and had a very low understanding of anything Geometry. Towards the end of the course she came to me on two successive lunch breaks (she always said she'd stay after school for tutoring but always failed to). Basically, in looking at her progress report, and looking at what was on the exam, I realized that if she spent time doing the work she'd missed, while she would gain a more solid understanding of geometry (maybe, or she'd just copy answers out of the back of the book), she wouldn't spend enough time covering specifically what was on the test, and therefore might not pass. I told her, pass the last test and pass the final, you can probably pass my class.

What followed was her trying to study for the most part, actually putting in effort and taking good notes in the end, despite the fact that she continued to disrupt my review sessions. She passed the last test, and she passed the final. And so, when computing her grade, I played god, just a bit. I took out some missings which get calculated as zeros and changed them to incompletes which don't get calculated. This brought her grade up just high enough to get a 70 for the year, the lowest passing grade you can get.

This was a moral dilemma for me. I had to go in and talk to Ms. Bright across the hall about it because it just didn't sit right. But, here was my reasoning:

1. Charlotte actually did show improvement, and what Tennessee calls proficiency on my last two tests
2. That D on her report card isn't going to look good to anyone, they'll still know she has low math skills
3. If I didn't pass her, she'd most likely go to credit recovery where she'd get the course on a computer and be able to cheat her way through.
4. Charlotte is a 9th grade repeater. If she doesn't pass her classes this semester, there is a very very high chance statistically that she'll drop out of high school all together.

With all these reasons in mind, I gave Charlotte a 70. I'm not proud of it, and I feel bad for whoever has her in Algebra 2...CRAP-it might be me next year, awesome. But to some extent, it's almost too late.

Am I giving up? Did I let the administration and the current state of our education system win? Kind of. And it kills me. But what can you do? Well, you have to be a better teacher I guess. Somehow I have to teach well enough that I am not faced with decisions on whether or not to pass on kids that shouldn't pass. Somehow I not only need to be their Algebra 2 and Geometry teacher, I also need to be their Algebra 1 and Pre-Algebra teacher.

I also worry I am reinforcing bad habits. Mess around in the beginning of the semester all you want, as long as you come crying to me and pass your last tests, you'll be fine. I do not like that mentality. I don't support it. But should students be penalized for not quite having their act together from the start? What if they truly make a turnaround and improve?

Hopefully this next semester will go better. We'll get a better start and I'll be a better teacher.

For now I'm just re-prioritizing and reflecting. We'll see where that gets me...

Whites Creek High School:the documentary

On Monday, two weeks before the fin du cycle, the teachers in the Enterprise and Development school received an email, in all caps, with no distinct paragraphs asking us to put together a sub folder in case we are out. It needed to have lesson plans, student rosters, reliable students etc.

Thank you. I get this is important. But maybe it was more important back in SEPTEMBER? Since after all, I am not going to have the same reliable students in just a few weeks, and the kids I have in January will not know (or at least will not be expected to know) half of what is in that folder. Why now?

............

Today in my third block class the door was mysteriously opened by a runaway stranger 3 times, pulling attention away from the whole class. Then said stranger (or maybe another one) decided to put shaving cream or hair goup or SOMETHIng on the window of my door. Once again, disturbing the class and drawing what little attention I had away to the spectacle. "I really need to remember to lock my doors and get something to cover up the window" I thought to myself...

Later, in our faculty meeting, we were asked to make sure we did NOT lock or doors or cover up the windows. Something about creating an open environment at Whites Creek. Something about changing a culture. Something about parents needing to peak in the door. Really? Really? Parents don't peak in the door, and excuse me for being negative--but how many times must my class be disturbed in a day by random hallway walkers/class skippers? I purposely changed the arrangement of my room so that the students were less distracted by the window in the door. Now it's just more obvious when they are looking out it and not the window.

Perhaps the culture will actually change and the gawkers will turn to students and not disrupt my class. Or maybe my class will learn to not be distracted by such silliness. I doubt it.

Sine curves, like and EKG....

Reading my last post made me laugh. Of course I didn't get hearburn, I was on my way out the door to five days of no teaching bliss! Five days of which I only worked ONE. That's amazing. (Did I mention I was with Zack and my whole family?)

And that learning thing? Well they forgot it all when they went home and ate turkey, stuffing and chitlins (which apparently they want me to try).

I mention sine curves because we are working on them in Algebra 2. Or rather, I am showing them how to plug values into the calculator. They have NO clue what it means, what it's for or how they would do this without a calculator, but when I tell them it's like an EKG, their ears perk up a bit. (let's be honest, I don't remember the how, why etc--it would take a lot of time for me to re-learn that-I am following the method of just showing them the process/shortcut so they can pass their test)

What I really mean though, is that teaching has its own sine wave. I was somewhat up that last week. Somehow they felt like learning (not that they showed it on their tests). This week, they do not. This week most of my students are as unhappy to be back as I am. This week many of them have conveniently forgotten how close we are to exams (even though I tell them there are only 9 teaching days left), and they certainly do not see the correlation between how they act in class and how they perform on an exam.

I talked to Litsy who has been doing this for a while. I needed to curb the disillusionment (yup, it's now December and I am still in that terrible trough). She said look, you are a bad teacher, it's ok, you are new. You need to find a way to get your kids to care, you need to invest them or they will not work for you. Right now you are probably up there miserable, and it shows. Duh. How can they learn from someone who just wants to get on the next plane to SF? How can they learn from someone who doesn't help them see the value in what they are learning?

Then there was the wack-a-mole analogy. Another duh....No matter how much you wack the mole to get it back in the hole, it's going to keep popping up. It likes the attention of the mallot. Instead, you need to say, "mole, thank you so much for staying in your hole, you are doing a great job'...ie, when a student is doing well, praise them publicly. This will hopefully prevent the whole "be quiet!" "Put away the cell phone!" "Pay attention!" "You have nine days till exams but you are not acting like it" "How does no one get this?" (yes I've actually said that).

Today I tried to say 3 positive things for every negative one. That lasted 10 minutes. And then I got pissed. I will try again tomorrow.

Progress?

Today I woke up without anxiety shakes or heartburn. And it was late, 8:45 am. That's a big step for me on a Sunday.

Granted I only have a 2 day week before Thanksgiving. Two days where all we are doing is reviewing (materials already made) and Testing (materials already made). That's huge.

But I think it's something else. I think things are settling--maybe. I am not saying it's perfect, or that my kids are good. But on Thursday and Friday, I had more good times in class than bad. And it felt like the kids are learning, or starting to get it. I came to a realization that I should have come to much earlier. Or rather, had come to but not acted on. Speed and covering everything is not the name of the game. Understanding is. Maybe there is a happy balance eventually--but right now I am a first year teacher and my kids should not pay the price. I should teach it till they get it and THEN move on. So what if I only get through trig and leave those last 2 units untaught. At least they will have truly learned and understood what I've taught them for the last 18 weeks instead of feeling demoralized and bewildered. No one likes that.

'Put your arms around them' Mr. Lang says. Yep. That's what I need to do. Put my arms around them and hold on tight. Figure out what they don't know and re-teach it. Get them to the point where on the final, they feel good taking it, not overwhelmed and frustrated. And I feel good grading it.

I think I can do that. Now I am in a rhythm.

As much as I am looking forward to getting to start over. I am also not. Think of all the mistakes I made. Think of the crappy lesson plans and poorly made worksheets. I have to re-vise those. Over Christmas break I need to re-work unit and long term plans. Will starting over and re-doing/re-working be easier or harder? I was never good at revising, papers, grad school essays....will I be good at revising lesson plans? Will I be able to make things better?

Things I've learned I do need to do:
1) Highlight Key Points (Thanks learning team meeting)
2) stop being at the 1000 ft conceptual level and teach them what they need to know to get it and solve problems
3) give work back more often so they can see what mistakes they make and correct them
4) exit slips...if they are sucky, re-teach and practice more.

Sorry--this was probably a boring post. But it helped me. Maybe at some point I'll write about my 2 hour long meeting/therapy session on Friday afternoon. That sucked.

Things that make me feel better

That was depressing, maybe I should not leave you hanging thinking I am crying my eyes out every night (it's really just every other...)

Things that make me feel better:

1) Talking it out (thank you)
2) Using things like exam view pro and puzzlemaker.com to create quizzes and puzzles FOR me
3) Eating candy and baked goods
4) Being productive--seriously, just making lists and crossing stuff off of them has the best effect
5) Talking to parents and genuinely hearing in their voice that they too want their student to succeed and are going to do the best they can to help me out.
6) Friday is now just three days away, I will be in Chicago in my wonderful boy's arms so soon.

And some fun...Here is a pic of the TFA Whites Creek Family (or most of us)...

Disillusionment phase

They mean it when they say October for 1st year teachers is the worst. They call the phase disillusionment phase:

"After six to eight weeks of nonstop work and stress, new teachers enter the disillusionment phase. The intensity and length of the phase varies among new teachers. The extensive time commitment, the realization that things are probably not going as smoothly as they want, and low morale contribute to this period of disenchantment. New teachers begin questioning both their commitment and their competence. Many new teachers get sick during this phase."

Umm, it could not be more dead on. The intensity is large for this first year teacher, and hopefully it will end soon. Last night I cried so hard my eyes were puffy for hours, I was driving and I could barely see. How can it be this bad? How can people put themselves through this? Am I just being too hard on myself? What changes can I make to make it better?

I do not question my commitment, but I do question my ability to sustain this. I have to keep telling myself it will get better--everyone says it does, the same people that told me I would go through this terrible phase also told me it will get better. Perhaps someday I will actually enjoy teaching. Perhaps someday it will not seem like I am on a hamster wheel just trying to keep up.

For now I need to take it day by day--do what I can do today to get me through tomorrow, and perhaps the next day. Find the things that are working and keep doing them. Find the things that aren't and change them. Look for help from veterans.

I can't tell you how much I've leaned on others in the last month (or more). There are days when I drive home and I think, who can I call and cry to tonight. Who will listen and give advice or listen and just tell me it's going to be ok. Thank you lifelines.

Someday I think I will get to the point where I no longer need those life lines. For now, disillusionment is making my life kind of rough.

Communism over the loud speaker

Every morning around 6:50, Principal Lang comes on the PA system and says "Welcome back Whites Creek Family"...then he'll mention how he's seen a lot of students dressed for success or that he wants to make sure students are moving to their classes and are ready to learn, then he gently reminds teachers to "step do their doors and help our students get to class on time. Let's have a great day Whites Creek Cobras" Every morning I have this small little inkling that this might have been what being under a communist regime might have been like. He talks about walking through the halls with Cobra Pride, about not letting behavior get in the way of our learning environment. And we hear similar messages every day.

When things have been particularly bad, Mr. Lang will come on for a State of the Union type address during 2nd period. The kids will barely listen and not understand why this voice is coming over the PA at them. You'd think they'd like it since I am not talking anymore. But they don't seem to get it and would rather just talk to each other.

I get it. We have to change mindsets and this seems to be the most time efficient way to do it. We can't have assemblies like we used to at Potomac, the kids would get lost from their classrooms to the Auditorium, and frankly I'm not sure they'd all fit. It would also take a lot more time away from our precious learning time. If only the kids thought it was precious too.

College Week

We were asked to represent our colleges, decorate our doors and give a little talk during advisory.

Today I had a Yale Bulldog with a blue Yale handkerchief around his neck. Three, count them three students on two separate occasions said:

"Miz Sudow, why your bear be crippin'?"

Apparently a Yale handkerchief looks just like a gang flag.

"NO, my Yale Bulldog is NOT in a gang"

Spidey backpacks (and tinkerbell and superman)

I noticed it the first few days of school, but I just kind of assumed it was a trend. All my kids, or most of them, have those plastic-y backpacks sold at Walmart and Target for 2nd graders with your favorite cartoon character on them; Spiderman, Tinkerbell, Superman. Why do 16 and 17 year olds carry these around? Is it a fad? A little. But I think a lot of it has to do with the childhood they might have missed. Or the childhood they never left.

Zack came to school on Friday, bless his heart (to use a truly Southern phrase). He spoke to each of my classes for about 20 minutes-about working at Google, using Math in life, and working hard so you get yourself to places like Google, and yes, make money (it wasn't until he talked about how much money he was making and all the free food he gets that they really perked up--no offense babe). During these three 20 min sessions Zack made some astute observations that a few of my fellow teachers had been talking about for a few weeks now:
1) Where is the respect? Even on their best behavior, their mannerisms, the way they speak to adults and even each other lacks all sorts of respect. They slouch in their chairs, they interrupt you when you are talking, and they make fun of each other.
2) They aren't "hard." not like he'd expected. Yes, they are in gangs, yes, some of them have tatoos and are a little scary, 'Sleepy,'as he's asked me to call him, even has grillz (that he pops in and out as he sees the situation dictates), but they aren't all hard. And for the most part, they are just overgrown kids. Immature and unsure of themselves. Big ol' softies. They do have characters on their backpacks, notebooks and the blankets they carry around school to keep warm. They still have that 'everything revolves around me or egocentric' mentality that children in Piaget's pre-operational phase of life (yes, age 2-7) (umm, sorry for the fancy terms, I must have learned something in my really expensive class?) exhibit.

So what? Why am I talking about this? Because I am not dealing with exactly what I thought I would be. My kids are a little different from the kids at Fredrick Douglas. Some of them have lived hard lives, many in fact. Most don't live with two parents, if they live with parents at all. They live with grandma's, sisters, brothers and aunties, siblings are separated or everyone is piled into one house. Most guardians work at least one, if not 2 jobs, it's tough for them to get a ride from school after the buses leave and they don't always get a hot meal for dinner when then come home at night, or any meal at all for that matter. There are definitely a large portion of them that have had to grow up fast. Despite this, they haven't grown up all the way. Maybe they are rebelling against growing up too fast. Maybe no one bought them a Tinkerbell backpack when they were 7 and that's why they need it now.

I am not sure the answer. But I do know their immaturity makes my life rough. Their immaturity means they also don't have accountability (yes, I am bringing it up again). Their immaturity means outbursts in class about bodily functions, my outfits and their grades (while I am teaching a lesson).

Somehow, I not only have to teach Geometry and Algebra 2, I need to teach responsibility, maturity and accountability. Am I up to the task? I hope so.

Failing

In Hard Times at Douglas High there was a faculty meeting where the principal basically blamed the teachers for failing. I got so angry and frustrated. How can responsibility rest only with the teachers? How could teachers' jobs be in jeopardy when they are trying as hard as they can? Would I have said that 4 months ago? Would I have said, no don't blame the teachers? or would I have said, damn straight, if they were good enough teachers, the kids would be uplifted, ready to learn and learning. Not failing.

But now I am in the hot seat. Today Principal Lang handed out 'Fail Rate Reports' for our classes and gave us a big talk about how if our fail percentages were higher than 70% there was something going on. My fail percentages: 85%, 92%, and 63%. Well phew, at least one of them is below 70.....In his talk, Principal Lang said he picked a doctor to fix the achilles tendon he ripped just before school started because he was an expert. He said it was the doctor's job to operate and get him moving again in a few months. To get him back to new so he could run half marathons. Fine. It is the doctor's job to fix him, to operate, to give him instructions on how to rehab his leg, how to rest it, to ice it, all that good stuff. But if Principal Lang jumps up and down on his freshly operated on leg, if he runs around school in flip flops instead of his boot, is it the doctor's fault if the doctor told him very clear instructions on how best to get the leg well?

So whose fault is it? Here we go with accountability again. There are definitely things I could be doing better. But aren't there things my kids could be doing better too? Couldn't they study? Couldn't they listen to me when I teach them?

Official midterm grades are due next week. I will spend the rest of this week and all of next week finding ways to make up work. Finding ways to catch my kids up. Not just to get their grades up, but also to get their confidence up. If they don't think they will do it, what little effort they put in now will completely disappear.

Maybe, just maybe, small investment efforts (the ones I'd planned from day 1 that never made it to the wall) will get them excited. Stars with their name and stickers on them on Club 85, a Student of the Week, and a word wall. Will that do it? If I give them their Unit 1, 2 and 3 tests again next week, will they fail again, or pass because I have been reviewing everything for a week? I am just not sure. I am really not.

For now, my job is not in jeopardy. My sanity might be. My health definitely is, and my can do attitude, quickly fading. When my first period class leaves my room everyday, I sigh with relief, and then a bit of grief because whatever new thing I tried that day did not work. Do I have the energy to keep trying this? I have all these resources at my fingertips, but sometimes, getting it into a form that works for me and my students somehow seems tough.

I can't keep living day to day, doing tonight what will get me through tomorrow. I need to find a way to get ahead, or have tomorrow's work take less time so I have time for tracking, for figuring out who is missing what work, and to really help these kids pass geometry and algebra 2. And maybe give them some confidence along the way.

Accountability

Accountability. I use that word a lot. I want the kids to have it, I think some of the parents have it. I take a lot of it.

Why do my kids feel like it's my fault when they fail? Why don't they feel they need to remember what I taught them yesterday when they walk into my classroom today? How do you get it through their heads that if they are talking and texting during class, they are not going to learn anything? That in fact they will fail if they don't do the work, and that not doing homework is a surefire way to make sure you don't remember what you are supposed to learn.

At the same time though, isn't part of my job to find a way to engage them, so they are not talking, texting and leaving my classroom with none of the information I just tried to cram in their brains? I say I did not sign up to be an entertainer, that I signed up to be a teacher. But maybe I need to find a way to entertain them more. Maybe because they don't fully understand how my class will benefit them in the long run, I have to find a way to make it more fun.

Maybe it's a bit of both. When Wallace told me he couldn't learn because I needed to control my classroom, I would have laughed if it didn't make me want to cry. How can a student who is constantly causing a ruckus tell ME to control HIM? Shouldn't he learn to control himself? Will consequences and positive reinforcements actually do this? The math money is not working. It might work if I was more consistent about it, if I had good things for them to buy with their math money.

Regardless, somehow they need to stop blaming everyone else for not learning. Take responsibility and engage in your education. Take what has been given to you by tax money and make the most of it. Don't just waste it by barely getting by.

I watched an HBO documentary this week, "Hard Times at Douglas High," so much about this inner city high school in Baltimore looked just like Whites Creek High. The kids were rowdy, behind. and tested their teachers every day. They were also late for class and at risk of not graduating, or getting shot when they leave their house every day. There were scenes where the administrator blamed the teacher for the students shortcomings--"If 25 out of 35 kids are failing the class...." That's me. Those are my kids, all failing, despite my best efforts. Despite my 80 hour weeks, my sleepless nights, and the huge knots in my shoulders. I am trying so hard, but they are still failing. Is it really me? There are kids that are doing ok, am I helping them, or are they teaching themselves?

I don't think it's just one person's fault. It doesn't just rest with me, or my kids, or their families. It's a combination of all of us. It's finding ways to get to as many of them as we can. To inspire them and help them navigate their way through school and beyond.

I hope I am up to the challenge. I hope I can make them feel accountable and really want to achieve. Maybe even in Geometry.

"I'm the TRUTH in that class"

It's the little things that keep you going. You have to find them somewhere. Chris straggled into my class 10 minutes late today. This is pretty normal. He wears gold grillz in his teeth, has dreads and used to be asleep half the time in class. Lately he's been trying. Answering questions when I am at the board and asking for help when we do independent practice. He's starting to get it. Today after Mr. Deans hearded him into my classroom and made sure I made a note of his tardiness, Chris tried. I helped him with some of the problems. In the hallway as class was moving, he saw me and Mr. Deans and said, Mr. Deans, "I am the TRUTH in that class now." All excited and proud of himself.

I just smiled. I think I am getting through to at least one of them.

Pep Rallies at 9am

For some reason at Whites Creek we have pep rallies as a morning activity. So today at 8:20am I released my hellians to head down to the gym to get all riled up for the rest of the day.

At the pep rally I realized that those hellians that make my life really hard, who I work for every day and who gave me attitude and act like they know everything about anything in life are really just high school kids.

They are cheerleaders, they are dancers, they they have Cobra spirit. They support their school, their class and their teams. I remember that feeling--that pride I had in Potomac, the excitement of a big game day.

Somehow I got tears in my eyes. It could be because I am tired and overly emotional. It could also be because of that realization, that they are just kids, and I am part of their lives, somehow molding them, guiding them through the tough years of high school. And there is more to their lives than geometry homework.

As I walked out of the gym with a fellow teacher, recounting my day yesterday, he said to me, as much as they have a tough exterior and can talk back and talk tough, inside they are just scared little kids needing guidance and an opportunity to succeed.

Demoralized. And fuming. With an empty kitchen

I hate that I eat when I am emotional. It might actually be better for me if I were to drink. Today after every period I needed a tootsie roll. I am diabetic. I ate everything I brought to school, and then went home and ate my whole kitchen, well aside from the counters.

Today my first period class was hell. Everyone was talking, no one was listening. I handed out white boards and they just doodled on them. I asked Quinn to clean off the doodles of her NAME on the desk to which she is assigned. She asked me how I knew she'd done it. I told her because I am a detective and it was purple pen (which you were writing with yesterday), your NAME in the seat where YOU SIT. She sort of cleaned it off, while complaining. When I returned, there was a happy face in blue ink, just like the blue pen she was writing in. Again she asked me how I knew she'd done it.

While that was going on, Tara walked over to Keola and asked for lip gloss, gum and a tissue. I told them it was work time not CVS time. They all laughed. I told them I was serious, get back to your seat please and get to work.

Not to mention I did not get through my lesson, they did not understand, and who cares anyway since even if they understand today, they won't understand tomorrow.

Then they all packed up their bags with 5 minutes until the bell rang and stood by the door. While I was helping another student and talking to them about the discipline issues I saw today, they found scotch tape on my desk (ie they rummaged through my stuff) and then used pretty much the whole role making a finish line from my door to the two desks closest to it. When I went to clean it up and yelled at them they all just laughed at me. I told them all to get back to their seats, the bell had not rung. They laughed at me, some went back. I told them that tape costs money, if I have to buy new tape because they wasted it, I can't buy candy for them to purchase with their math money. I doubt they cared. Then the bell rang mid-sentence and despite my efforts, they practically ran me over as they ran out the door.

Third period was only slightly better. But I have higher expectations for them since they are my honors kids. I sent out Troyvonne for being disrespectful--he didn't sit in his assigned seat, he didn't do his bell ringer, he flirted with Erin, I asked him to move, he didn't. When he did, instead of brushing Erin's hair and tickling her, he brushed Sarah's hair and bugged her. She did not enjoy it the way Erin does. When he stood up in my classroom for the fifth time, I gave him my best teacher glare. He rolled his eyes, or rather his whole head right back, I told him not do that, he did again. I sent him to the office.

That was third period. Fourth period if possible, got worse.

Admittedly I was very riled up. Emotional wreck and furious might be the right words for it. Great day for me to forget to make a bell ringer. So I was writing one on the board as they filtered in. Since this was not the normal procedure of getting the worksheet off the podium as they walk in, they were not entirely sure what to do. Then Brianne returned from being sick. I made sure to ask if she was feeling better. Then I reminded everyone they had a quiz, to which Brianne smartly replied that she would not be taking it. Brianne, I would like you to take it, but you will be able to take it again. "how you gonna give me a quiz on stuff you ain't taught me?"

This launched us into some berrating, telling me what a bad teacher I was, May joined in since telling me I am a bad teacher is her favorite thing to do.

Brianne got frustrated enough that she asked to leave the room. I practically held the door for her on her way out.

I tried to go back to teaching, I tried to regain control, let them see how I was going over what we'd done yesterday before moving on to today's lesson. Brittney returned. I told her I was reteaching, she should listen. More berrating how she doesn't get it because she wasn't there. I don't spell out the steps, I am not a good teacher, I give tests that are too hard, I move to fast.

Then she decided to tell me that she had to graduate and get out of here. Yes, I know Brianne. "If I don't graduate this year, someone is gonna be in trouble" I asked if she would have any fault in it if she didn't graduate--absolutely not she said"

The funny thing is, as she told me what a crappy teacher I was, she was also telling me how wonderful a teacher Ms. Krentz was. Which I agree with, except for the fact that when Brittney was in Ms. Krentz's class all she did was be a bitch and tell her she wasn't a good teacher. Hmm, can we find a common denominator here? (wow I've been a math teacher too long).

(Very) long and short, I had to leave. I thought I could let them get it out and get back to my lesson, but when Mr. Deans walked into my room (called by Brianne), and I just handed him the marker and walked away. I tried to keep it together but I knew the tears were coming, I knew it would be a flood and I would not be able to stop it while he stood there and taught my class. While he got their attention and their respect, the respect that seems so remiss when I am up there.

I left. I walked out the door and into the hall to breathe. Even that wasn't enough. I spent the majority of the period crying to the freshman counselor and Ms. Zellars our curriculum dean. Thank goodness for the support at Whites Creek. They made me realize it wasn't me, it was these tough kids. That yes, I do need to move fast, but I need to find a way to build their confidence so that moving fast won't freak them out. Give them something to do first that they get, then make it harder. Isn't that what I am doing? Didn't I feel like there were days when Brianne was getting my lesson? Why does she forget it a day later when she has a quiz? Why does she blame me? Why does she do it in front of the entire class.

Why did I move 2500 miles away from my love, my life, my friends and a job that fed me and gave me stock options to be yelled at by a 17 year old?

I think it's because I want to help students just like her. Students that know they need to graduate and who have been held to such low standards that they think they have to go slow. They think it's acceptable not to cover all the material, that 75% on a test where you are only asked the first level of Bloom's Taxonomy (define, identify) is ok. Nope, it's not. I know you can do better, and I will show you you can do better.

Hopefully I will get it together as a teacher in time to help Brianne, and the rest of my students. Hopefully my teaching and classroom management will evolve to the point where I can get through a lesson AND give them practice and confidence to be ready to move on to the next objective without a struggle.

Until then I will keep needing to eat my kitchen, but perhaps I should start working out again just to make sure I balance it out. Until then I will write long ass blog posts to pour out my heart and feelings, to remember how it felt to be a first year teacher in a title 1 school. I do need to find something that makes me happy. Maybe it's this blog. Maybe it's sleepytime tea and a book. Perhaps working out again will bring me clarity instead of stress from knowing I am taking an hour away from time I should be planning.

It will get better. Somehow, tomorrow, or next week, or next month will be better than today. Somehow I will reach at least some of these kids. And somehow, they will pass my class.

Babies and a GED

2fer tonight because I had two different things to talk about.

Fast forward to 4th period. One of my girls, Jai (Again changing names) has a three month old baby. He was sick two weeks ago and she was out almost the whole week. But she tried--she came in and picked up work one day, she grabbed everything she missed when she came back.

The first time she missed class because she couldn't get a sitter I asked her where she was, that's how I found out about her son. We talked about how she needed to keep coming to school and graduate so she can provide for herself, she said, "yes, and for him." Amazing. Thank you Jai. Thank you for caring and for valuing education.

I now give her a unit plan and make sure she knows what she'll miss if she ever needs to stay home for him.

Today I asked about him. How he was feeling because I want to build a relationship with her, and because I genuinely care. She said she was having trouble finding people to watch him. She mentioned something that was supposed to happen that wasn't and time was running out. I am not sure what it was, but she said if it didn't, she would have to quit school.

Jai and I haven't built and amazing relationship, but she's fun, she works and she asks lots of questions. She's funny about what she doesn't get, and often doesn't want to know why if she can just figure out the how, and she's not shy about telling you. She's also been helping a ton in class by tutoring some of the others that are behind, and not to mention modeling the kind of participation I would love from all of my students.

Also, I know how important and high school degree is for all my students, but for her in particular. She already has a hurdle, and a big one, having to take care of a baby. If she doesn't get this degree she is going to have trouble getting a job that will allow her to support him in a relatively comfortable way.

There we were in the hallway and she told me I might lose her. I almost cried. I think my eyes watered up. That she might have to sacrifice her education because she has a child to take care of and not enough help.

I told her she could always call me, that I would help if she ever needed it. She knows she would do homeschooling or get a GED. I am so glad she has those strong opinions about getting her degree, and the drive and motivation to do it.

I would still be sad to lose Jai. I would be sad for both of us. I want her to graduate, I want her to succeed, and I want to be one of the people that helps her get there.

Can they handle it? Can I?

After spending my weekend grading papers and trying to plan out my week (Literally, I was out of the house for about 9.5 hours, for the entire weekend), I realized that my geometry kids just weren't getting this triangle stuff. I made the executive decision to stop. To stop teaching new things and circle back. I also decided I wanted to try something new, no more worksheets and me talking at the board all day--let's do some group work and have them teach each other.

The question in my head was, can they handle it? Can they work together? Do they have the discipline to work instead of chat about their weekends? Do they know enough collectively that they can do these worksheets?

Decidedly, NOT. Well at least first period. I heard about how Brenna farts when she's nervous, the football team's loss on Friday, who went out with who, who's phone has a picture of a skeleton on it and of course that no one was going to pass this class because it was too hard and the teacher isn't helping them enough.

Amid F-bombs and N words, I would try to come over and help students with their problems (mind you, I gave them about 3 each and figured it would take 10-15 min to complete them, they took 45 and did not complete them.) When I would be there trying to help one, the other two would be talking about Brenna's farts. While I was standing a foot away from them. Seriously. At least I wasn't standing near Brenna. And then I would tell them stop talking and they would ask me why I didn't tell the other 24 people in the room talking to stop.....

So the gallery walk did not work. The groups only worked on their little piece of the puzzle and did not have a chance to learn from the others. I doubt they even learned what was on their paper. So I wasted 90 minutes of instructional time trying to remediate and failing miserably.

How do I get them under control? How do I help the understand this tough material?

Oh, did I mention their warm up today was a relatively easy Algebra 1 worksheet--a class they all should have passed to be in mine. NONE of them could do it. They all whined and complained that they did not remember how to solve equations with one variable.

50% is not proficient.

Drowning

Let's step back for a second. I keep talking about my kids--how tough they are to reach, the crazy things they do in class. And yes, that is tough. But let's not forget, that being a teacher, especially a first year teacher, in any school, no matter how motivated or prepared your kids are is really hard.

Think about your favorite class in high school. Maybe the one where the teacher had some cool activity planned every day, handouts to guide you through the lesson, and homework for each day figured out for you at the beginning of the unit, or even week. All of that takes organization, planning and an understanding of where the class has been, and where it is going. Not to mention knowing what you are going to tell your kids and how you are going to tell it so they get it. For every 90 minute lesson I teach, I spend about an hour making a lesson plan, a bellringer, guided notes and homework.

But teaching isn't just lesson planning. I also have to unit plan, so I know what objectives I am teaching every day. And it'd be nice if I printed out these unit plans and handed them to my kids at the beginning of every unit, but I haven't had a chance to do that, not to mention, because my kids can't seem to understand things, I get behind...

Let's add on top of all the planning, all the piles and piles of paper I collect every day. I have 65 students. If I collect just one piece of paper from each of them every day of the week, that is 325 pieces of paper that i need to have my eyes on, check and grade. Oh, and then I need to enter each thing into a grade book.

I think Jen Televik put it best. Imagine getting to work at 6:30am each day, only to be able to actually start working at 2:30 or 3 (depending on who stays for tutoring).

The sad part is doing the above is doing the bear minimum. My classroom isn't fully decorated, the kids are supposed to have jobs they don't have, I need to talk more about a big goal, I need call all 65 parents/guardians. There is also that whole thing called sleep, working out, being with other humans that are not under the age of 18....

TEACHING IS HARD WORK.

Thank a teacher next time you see one.

Fire in the Belly

No more despondence, no more scared, no more hyperventilating--well not at school anyway. At school, in my classroom, Don't mess with Ms. Sudow.

Sarah's quitting (the teacher that worked next door to me) only made me more determined. Only made me realize that these little sh-ts will NOT get the better of me. They will NOT rule my life and they will NOT act out in class. I will show up every day, and I will lay down the law.

Today I wore a full black suit, my hair pulled back, and a no nonsense attitude. I did not give kids warnings, I went straight to angry eyes. I told them to have a seat and get to work, just like I do every day, but today, there was more force behind it.

Today, after repeatedly telling him to be quiet, to pay attention and to stop distracting the class, and still he was talking, I told Alex (changing names here) to 'SHUT UP.' I do not tell kids to shut up, I don't want to use disrespectful language like that in my classroom and I get pissed at them when they do. So why did I tell him to shut up? Because at that moment, Alex did NOT deserve my respect. Alex was not respecting me or my classroom, or his peers. He was wasting learning time and my time, and I was not going to have it. My other two classes followed in a very similar fashion. Me yelling, telling the class they were not performing the way I expected them to, and telling them that it was not in my personality to yell and be angry like this. But that they make me angry, they make me need to raise my voice and be disrespectful becase that seems to be the only way to get their attention.

Today at Whites Creek High, there was a fight. Most probably a gang related fight. It took (from what I can count from fellow teacher's accounts)at least 10 teachers and administrators to break it up. We had to call in police support to fully end it. The entire school felt it. As big as that building is, from my post on the second floor, my kids knew something was going on downstairs and two hallways away. The hallway was raucus, they were running up and down, headed towards the fight, hearded away from it. We shut our doors when most of our kids were in them. Downstairs they locked the kids in so they couldn't join the fighting or egg them on.

"Welcome to Whites Creek" my 4th period class told me. Oh no child, this will NOT be Whites Creek for long, not if Mr. Lang has anything to do with it. This will end. We the teachers and administrators will fight back. And we will fight to give you the chance you deserve. To give you the education you try so hard every day, every minute, to avoid. You need guidance, you need structure and you need discipline, and we are here to give it to you.

So no. I will not quit, I will not back down. I will continue to be a hardass. I will continue to yell until you choose to realize, that I don't need to. I will keep working on lesson plans. I will find ways to make this very hard math understandable to you. And I will continue to remediate where other teachers have failed, or where you my friend have failed to listen. You are not getting rid of me. I will not back down. At least not now. At least not until my lungs tell me I must. But until that day, I will be there, in your face, Gwen, because I learned about proximity. Because I learned about relentless pursuit of results, and I will not stop until I get you to get the results you deserve.

In the process of me not backing down, of me showing up every day ready to teach you not only math, but how to be a respectful human being, I hope that we can gain mutual respect for one another. That we can build relationships that will help you understand why I am trying so hard, and you will know what it is you deserve, what you can get with hard work and dedication--a quality education, a higher education, and a chance to make more of yourself than being in a gang, supporting babies at 18, and working a job you don't love because it is the only one you are qualified for.

That is the fire in my belly, and that, along with adreinalin and caffeine is why I am fired up this evening.

I thought I would feel better after the weekend....

This job is so hard, I don't know how I am going to come out at the other side. I worked from 10-3 yesterday and from 9-6 today. I didn't accomplish all the things I set out to, and I am nervous I did a terrible job the last two weeks which means my kids are going to fail the tests I have planned for them this week.

I am so scared that this is how my life is going to be for the next 4-5 months--what if staying sane means working 15 hours on the weekend? Where does that leave my sanity and my social life and my visits to Zack and his visits to me. I want to spend time with him and with friends without being nervous I should be planning. I want to sleep. I want to feel like I am making a difference instead of spinning my wheels.

I swear I am giving myself an ulcer or something. When I think of everything I need to do, and everything I need to teach I want to throw up, or cry or hide or something. How am I going to have the strength to do this? Did I really sign up for this? Do I have to go into work tomorrow?

I am so scared every day, every minute of my life is going to be tainted with me being a basket case. Will I be able to keep my head above water when I get back to school each week? I don't want to sacrifice my life, my health, my love for these kids. But I am afraid of failing. I am apparently a perfectionist and want to be good at this damnit. What is the point of the kids being in my classroom if I can't teach them well?...apparently that's why i have put in so many hours. That is why I pull out my hair, don't shower, haven't cooked myself dinner in a week, haven't been to the gym, don't have a voice, and am just now realizing I got very behind on my vest as I cough up green goo every 7 minutes.

What will give? Will it be their education? My sanity? My health?

End Week 2 Throwup and lemonade

We have rules in this school, but you would never know it from the way the kids behave. And yes I call them young adults, but they certainly do not act like it.

3rd period, my honors class. Can't get them to pay attention for the life of me. Bell rings and they are rushing out the door, I hear out of the corner of my ear "Shondria threw up" I think they are joking, but then I look, there it is brown liquid on the floor of my classroom...I ask if she's really sick or if she just choked on her diet dr. pepper (note, maybe you shouldn't drink 3 sodas a day and you wouldn't be so sick).

There is throw up on my floor, the classroom is a mess, I need to get ready for the next class to come in. So I call Mr. Surls the head custodian, no answer. I call Ms. Bedell, the woman that sits in the front of Principal Lang's office, no answer. I go out in the hall to get my kids to come in and get to work, realize I don't have a bell ringer to get them to get to work on, I tell Eric who is flirting with some girl in the hall to get into class. She has a lemonade in her hand, she basically dumps it on Eric, the hall, and me. Then RUNS down the hall, away from getting in trouble, and cleaning up after herself. Eric comes into my classroom and makes a stink about how his shirt is wet. I call again. This time Principal Lang answers, I bark, not realizing it's my boss--'There is throwup on my floor and lemonade in the hall'...He reassures me someone will come clean it up. The kids are not pleased, to say the least.

Fast forward to quiz review before we take our quiz today (still in 4th period). I'm not sure how it happened, but somehow Brittney lost part of her weave. Eric (yes, the same Eric who provoked the lemonade fight), took the piece of hair, put it on his head and starts posing for the camera that Shatequa just happened to have handy. The entire class thinks this is hysterical and could care less about polynomial long division.

That was my friday afternoon. How was yours?

Eye Opening

Things they try to prepare you for but never really can:

1) Arriving at school at 6:00 am to make copies for class, only to find the doors locked.
2) Finally getting into school and needing to line up to make copies at the 1 Rizo machine in the whole school, we only had blue paper and weren't even sure it was ours to use.
3) Getting in a fight with a 16 year old about whether or not she was disrupting my class and asking her to move seats. Then telling her 'This is not an argument' and having her say, 'yes, so why you arguing with me about it?'
4) Working from 2:30pm-7:30pm on diagnostic tests and lesson plans, only to return to the 1 rizo machine in the building to make all my copies (2 2-page hand outs about classroom culture and 9-page tests for 64 students) only to find it was out of ink. Not to mention that would have taken hours.
5) Paying $65 at Kinkos after a tax free and TFA discount for above copies
6) Arriving home at 9:00pm needing to eat, staple 44 of my tests, make mini lesson plans in case we finish early tomorrow, do my vest (yes I still have CF), pay my bills due this week and get to bed at a reasonable hour so I can do it all again tomorrow morning.

Yes. This is hard. Let's hope it gets better....But I am not so sure, I haven't even planned a real lesson yet!

Proving People Wrong

Whites Creek has a reputation, or five. To start off with, the school was 'Fresh Started' this year. Which means all teachers were handed a pink slip on the last day of school in the spring. Thew new principal only hired back the ones he believed could prove people wrong.

Crips and Bloods are big at our school. My air conditioner told me so (in permanent marker--you better believe that's the only way I know how to spell 'Crips' insteand of 'Crypts')...along with everyone else in Nashville to whom you mention that's where you are teaching.

The average ACT score for our school this past year was a 16. For those unfamiliar with the ACT, the average for admitted students to University of Tennessee is a 23, the average at Vanderbilt is a 30. Our kids didn't have a chance.

But somehow, I think we are going to prove people wrong. Mr. Lang, our principal, has vision. He wants to turn this school around and he seems to really know what it takes to get there. The 50 odd faculty members, both veteran and brand new seem to have so much energy and enthusiasm, as well as a ton of ideas about how to make this school better than it has ever been.

Already students and parents have come into the school and noticed changes. It's cleaner, more open, more well groomed. Lockers are moving, libraries are moving digital, and Mr. Lang wants to build an internet cafe. Not too shabby.

Not that hitting rock bottom is really a good thing. But maybe it took that to shake the school and bring it back. We have so much opportunity here to make a difference. I certainly picked the right school in which to make a difference--not that I picked it at all, I was put there, but every day I'm there (so far anyway) I am glad about it.

I hope this continues when the kids come. I hope the palpable excitement and optimism in the faculty translates to the students fully understanding, and eventually realizing their potential.

For my part, my classroom is fully decked out in Cobra red and blue, my rewards system is almost in order, and I plan to be a hard ass for at least the first 2 weeks. I can't even imagine how far from my plan my classroom management and lessons will stray, or how many times I will need to call for help from the experienced teachers down the hall.

For now, however, I am optimistic that this is, in fact, Whites Creek High School's year to shine, that this is when we turn it around, and facing adversity never meant so much to me, to my students, and to everyone in the building.

Classroom Cleanup

Room 233, that's mine. I've finally figured out the maze that is our high school to get there without having to question my route, and I dread when the students come and I have to walk through the locker bays when they are full of rowdy teenagers.

It's a big classroom, with just a small window looking out into the courtyard of Whites Creek. And it's all mine. That's the cool part. I can do whatever I want in here, decorate my way, throw away what I want, use what I don't throw out, and most importantly find ways to inspire mathematicians!

So first of, let's take an inventory. I walked into my room yesterday and found:
3 large desks
1 podium, every inch of which is covered with doodles
1 sort of podium with folding leaves on either side
2 bookshelves whose paint and wood are chipping off, full of Algebra 1 books
3 fans, one broken
3 computers (all post 2005 at least)
2 monitors
1 printer (minus the power cord)
1 phone
1 gigantic mess of wires
32 desk chairs for the kids
2 large cabinets, both full of crap, one locked with a key I don't have
1 bookshelf, again full of Algebra 1 books
3 white boards, all dirty, some lined with sparkly and polka dot liners that teachers like to use to make things look cute
2 half hexagon tables

You get the general idea. Lots of crap. After moving, and re-moving the chairs into a suitable formation, I moved the desks--glad that meant moving the chairs again. I made myself a nice little area to sit and work, and set up the 'While you were out' table as well as a place for the crates that will hold all my students' work.

Today I tackled the orange closet of math history.

Useful things I found in the closet:
Geometry and Algebra 2 textbooks
Lots of Protractors
Lots of compasses
Big pieces of construction paper
what has to be at least 5 reams of computer paper
a TI-83 (WAHOOO)
Cool math activities
Math in the world binder of activities
CDs to help me make tests (For Algebra 1, Algebra 2, Geometry, Pre-Calc and Calc)
an easel that I don't know quite what to do with yet, but there as to be something cool I can put on it.
Mrs. Henley's lesson plan binder (did someone say re-use?)

Not so useful things I found in there
6, count them 6 floppy disks--you know, those plastic things you used to store stuff on
Lesson plans from Advanced Calculus, FROM 1998
a chain, a 3 feet long metal link chain
a tape holder for giaganto tape that leaked sand
TCAP tests
Paper Airplanes (apparently this was geometry class work, I'm down, maybe these should go in the helpful pile)
Student notebooks
Mr. Watkins' end of year checkout list (apparently he didn't need it)
Tennessee Language Arts standards from 1993
plastic covers for electronic equipment that was NOT in the mystery cabinet.
a large piece of cloth with lisense plates from all 50 states

Oh, and were you curious what was in the white styrafoam cooler? Umm, it's scary. old tennis balls, a wooden tennis raquet, a puzzle, shoots and ladders, scary graduate dolls, some plastic green leafy things-what?

Here are my before and after pictures:

Before:


After:


Pile o crap


You get the idea, I have my work cut out for me. At least I am not Mr. Proctor, he has scary snakes in jars and other weird biology things to work with. Not to mention drawers and boxes full of lab equipment in no particular order. Good luck to you, sir!

Tomorrow is decorating time. Geometry builds bridges and I intend to build two to track student progress above my white boards. Hopefully creative juices will be flowing and the parent teacher store will have just what I need....and maybe some floppy disks too.

Ch-ch-changes

Well, it's been a while since I last posted (shocking), since the CF walk I was accepted to Teach for America and asked to be in Nashville, my new home, in 3 weeks. Wait, what? Quit my job, pack up my life, do some pre-institute homework, take a teacher test, get finger printed and move across the country all in 3 weeks? Wow.

I did it. And I lived to tell about it.

So now is teacher prep time. A week and a day before the students arrive, and I can't believe what I've already seen. I taught summer school in Atlanta while I learned to lesson plan and manage behavior (or at least was taught how). I was shocked at the level of my 8th graders basic math skills--they saw a negative or a decimal and freaked out, they count on their fingers and have trouble with basic multiplication tables I learned in 3rd grade. This is why I am here. That is unacceptable--how did these kids get to 8th grade, and now high school, lacking such basic skills? I saw a disconnect between teachers and administrators, between school goals and student goals, and between students and their investment in school and achieving. I hope to keep writing, not only so that I remember my feelings, my first impressions, thoughts upon further reflection and ways I think might fix this, but also so that you, whoever you are, realize what an injustice is going on in our back yard. Yes, I know, melodramatic for AlyTalksALot, but it's true! So yes, my main cause is fighting CF, and I am still working hard to fight my own CF and raise money to fight it for everyone else, but now, I have a new crusade, and that is somehow, tackling the public education system, starting with Whites Creek High School in the Metro Nashville Public School district.

Here goes nothing

Why We Walk

Getting people to walk in the Great Strides walk is like getting a really athletic kid out in dodge ball--really hard unless you make a concerted effort at just that one kid, instead of blindly throwing balls across the line. So I've been working on reaching out to individuals to ask them personally to walk. That, as we say at Google, isn't 'scalable,' so I'm hoping to make a personal connection with you, my reader, here.

I thought I would write a bit about how important it is for me to have people come out and walk, and why it's so important in the grand scheme of things to walk, not just for me.

1) Great Strides is the Cystic Fibrosis Foundation's largest national fundraiser. Your participation, and your being there makes it even bigger. It says, 'Hey world, we care about this disease, and we aren't going to stop caring until it's cured.' Think how great it is to have a big crowd of people showing their support and raising money to fight this disease. Means a lot, and every person counts.

2) Walking and doing active things is something I've done my whole life to keep myself healthy. Active fundraisers remind me how lucky I was to be able to participate in activities like this. Remember, for a lot of kids and adults with CF, this 5k walk in the park is too much activity for their diseased lungs. Do it for them! Walk for those who can't walk, use your healthy lungs to breathe in that fresh ocean air!

3) You walking, just showing your smiling face, more even than you giving money (although I will not turn that down) makes little ol' me feel warm and fuzzy inside. I know most of my friends don't think of me as 'the sick girl with CF' and I am happy for that. However, when it comes time to come out and support CF, it means so much when my friends support me, and recognize the hard work I put in every day to make sure I am not 'the sick girl with CF.'

Lastly, number 4) My mom is coming out for that weekend. I thought it would be great for her to meet my friends and see the time commitment and investment I've made in my community. Plus, I'd love for her to meet you all. 'Oh my goodness, Aly, look at how many people you got out to walk!' That's what I want my mom to say :)

So, in short, your presence means the world to me. If you are scared to ask people for money, it's understandable. But just tell them all the stuff I just said. Tell them there are kids with CF who want to live healthy normal lives and their money can help that. Tell them 90 cents of every dollar they donate goes straight to research. Tell them $5 is enough.

Thanks for reading, now go sign up!

The Power of Two comes to Google

After reading their book I thought it would be so great if Ana and Isa could come to Google and give a talk. Hopefully that would raise awareness in the Google Community about this disease, and perhaps make people more inclined to participate in things like GREAT STRIDES!

Anyway, here's their talk, thank you YouTube...please fast-forward thru my lame intro ;)

Great Strides For Cystic Fibrosis

I'm walking to raise money for a cure for CF! Please join me! Or donate to the cause :)

Home Stretch

Sadly, 2 months later I am still in the same predicament--need to write/revise essays, would rather watch football and play on the internet. Lovely. Luckily I am ALMOST done. Phew. This process has been rough, and what they say about learning all sorts of things about yourself while you write b-school essays is true, as cheesy as it is.
Here's what I've learned
1) When I get stressed out my body shows it--on my face, my belly and in my lungs. I can't lose sight of all the important stuff like taking care of myself (the stuff I wrote all my essays about) just because I am busy with work and b-school apps.
2) I am very good at procrastinating. Favorite ways to do so:
a)check email, even though I didn't get anything new from five minutes ago when I checked.
b) Facebook (sigh) yes, it's true, I like it. Read status messages, look at pics, you know, the usual.
c) online shop without actually purchasing anything, this morning I almost bought a suit at Jcrew bc it was on sale and I reasoned that should I get interviews (knock wood) I will need a suit...

In all seriousness though, I did learn a thing or two about me. I think I am pretty tough and resilient--I work hard, set high goals and don't really let anything get in the way of me achieving them. I definitely need help along the way though. Throughout the writing process I realized that I like to just spit stuff out on the paper, read, revise and then get comments from someone else before I keep going. Not sure if this is the best method or not, but a big shout out to all those someone's who helped me with these essays--I am not sure I could have done it without the insight from friends, family and coworkers on whether or not I am portraying the right picture of myself (and doing so without run-on sentences and comma splices)

That's all, as I said, home stretch, gotta finish up--might even turn this bad boy in tonight, but I kind of doubt it ;)